when you are completely busy your depression lifts. That’s partly true. You don’t feel as miserable because you’re not focused on it. Life is the same. Same triggers. Same disappointments, only, there is less time to dwell on them. But when you stop, at night, struggling with sleep; the weekends, when you have no friends to be with, and no one to talk to, and a pile of work you have to do but are avoiding doing… it all comes back.
What am I doing this for? What do I want?
Then you realize just how dissatisfied you are. You realize how unhappy and unfulfilled you feel. You realize that you really have no one in your corner – just a bunch of people using or attempting to use you for their own twisted agenda or dark machinations – no matter how hard you have tried to avoid it.
You realize you only have a few hours left to complete a mile long to do list, you haven’t eaten, showered, cleaned, or prepared for the demanding job you feel obliged to. You sit in despair having to force yourself to sleep a few hours to wake up to the week ahead.
It is difficult going to a job where everyone secretly (or not so secretly) dislikes you, disrespects and passively bully you, because they are ignorant and unhappy with themselves. It’s frustrating going to a job that you know your talents are being wasted because you are too poor and in a too fucked up of a situation to be able to get into, afford, and concentrate on school. It’s tiring knowing that your life will never be the way you want it to be. It’s hard when people laugh at you and assume things because you don’t match their stereotypes or prejudices.
When you see all of your hard work, striving, and personal transformation, year after year, don’t mean shit, because really, in the long run, it’s your negative thoughts ruining everything… you want to throw your hands up in the air in defeat.
How can I keep doing this?