What if this is as good as it gets? I’ve been in therapy on and off for 27 years, since I was 11. I’m afraid that where I am now is where I will stay. A horrible fluctuation between being ok, then cutting, then wanting to be gone, back to ok again. It makes my head spin.
What if this is it?
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What if this is it?? Seriously – what if this is the best you will ever be? What will *you* do about it? Will you quit or will you fight to get better?
In your good times – do you find joy and laughter and happiness? If so – then you have something real. Something positive. A goal.
Please understand – I am not encouraging you to quit. No, I am hoping that you find at least one positive. Kids, a niece, that special person. A friend, that old couple that smiles at you at church and seems to really care. A coworker who is nice enough to stop by each day and just chit-chat/joke around. Something special that help you through each day. Maybe if you can focus on one positive thing- it will help you out of your darkness when it does come.
*hugs and best wishes to you*
My good times? They mostly involve alcohol. What will *I* do about it? If I knew that, I think I wouldn’t feel this way. I’ve been in therapy for so long but can’t seem to really let the guard down.
I am mostly alone during the day, I am my mom’s caretaker, which has proven to be quite a challenge. My brothers no longer talk to me because they think I’m doing this for the inheritance.
As far as my kids go, I feel like I’m causing them more damage by being here. Goals? Yeah, I’ve got none. I truly wish I did. Just something to cling to. But as of right now I just feel like I’m pulling everyone around me down. And that’s a shitty feeling.
Okay, so I am guessing you are considered a “severe depression” sufferer. I am too – so I do get that. And much like many people here – it seems easy to help others, moreso than helping yourself. But, I want to try with you.
So you have kids. That is awesome. I do not want to focus on right now, because I fully understand how in your current mental state you can not see any good coming from you. I want to go to the past…. Do you recall playing hide-and-seek with them when they were toddlers? Do you remember that big old diaper sticking out. Do you remember their faces as they proudly showed you some art that you thought was butt-ugly? Or how they loved to come and jump on you when you were still in bed?
To me – those are treasures. Remember THOSE faces. Sure the kids grow older and change. But that child does remain – they just have altered in looks a bit. Maybe if you can find a couple of awesome memories when you were not in your dark place – maybe those are something you can use to help you get through the day.
I hope this helps. I am not trying to play *shrink* with you. Because I am not a shrink nor am I like super smart or anything like that. I just know your pain. And I hope you find a healthy way past it.
I am here ANY time you want to talk.
My past. Ugh. Oh, and I don’t mind going back and forth with you. Maybe you will find something I’m missing.
Prior to the birth of my first daughter, I had a miscarriage. I got pregnant again right away. Had that girl, then got pregnant when she was 10 months old. During that pregnancy I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was 29. After being induced and bringing home another girl, the following 3 or so years are really a blur. I feel cheated out of those special years with my girls. Between surgeries, chemo, radiation, and just the emotional strain, my memories fail me.
Then there are the other diagnosis of a bleeding disorder and sarcoidosis (an autoimmune disease), and if we want to go way back, being sexually abused by my brother, which destroyed my family dynamics.
I guess it just feels like it never stops. The merry go round keeps spinning at a faster pace, and I want to get off. I need to get off.
I’m not trying to get a pitty party started, but I figured some history to help explain a little would help.
so you survived being molested. you survived a disease that tryed to kill you. you continue to survive other issues….
Maybe you are more of a fighter than you are giving yourself credit for.?.?
Sounds to me like you have had more than your share of crap. Maybe it is time to simply enjoy your kids. Not sure how old they are now. But walk them to the park and push them on a swing (if young enough). Or play basketball / soccer if they are a bit older. Go PLAY with them. It just may do wonders for you and for them.
*best wishes* Honestly and sincerely. And i am very sorry for your pain and I am NOT trying to make light of it. I can not say anything magical to make that pain go away. I just hope somehow you find SOME thing positive or motivating to get you outside with your kids and enjoy TODAY just a little. Then tomorrow – we can try for something more….
Thank you Hope. That is actually what my youngest daughter’s name means. They are 9 and 10 years old. Thanks for the encouragement.