Ever since the third grade I have been shifted to therapist to therapist, nothing seems to work. The phrase “I want to kill myself” has always crossed my mind, but I always wonder when I will have the will power to do it. What will be the last straw? What outrageous thing will push me over the edge. Im sitting here wondering, do I want to even see what this thing is? My life hasn’t been easy, and im not just saying that. In the past four years, I watched my mother struggle with cancer, ive gotten diagnosed with Chrones disease, ive been depressed, suicide, got dumped by my boyfriend and im alone. I don’t have a lot of friends. I feel alone in a rapidly moving world. I just don’t know how much more I can take. I need something good to happen. I thought something good was finally happening when my ex boyfriend that broke my heart wanted to try again last week, but three days later I got rejected…again. I cant do anything right. I need a reason to hold on, but I cant seem to find one. All I am fucking asking for is for something good to happen. If it doesn’t come soon, it will be too late.
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If you want to talk, I’m here. I just got dumped last week, and I have a chronic illness too–lupus. It’s really hard, and I get that. My mom also had cancer, so I might be able to understand where you’re coming from with that too. I just want to be here for you if you need me.
I know it is terrible to say, but i have compassion for those who are in the hospital w cancer…but i would rather be the one dying. Those sick little innocent kids deserve a happy life. I am so sick of feeling like everything is crashing down beneath me. Its like when one good thing happens to me, before i can even smile, its taken away from me. It makes me numb just thinking about it. Im sorry to hear about your sickness and breakup, they really suck.
I understand that. They want to live, so they should be able to. I wish I could trade places with them, because I do want to die. You know? And things do always seem to happen all at once. It’s never ending. I’m so sorry you have to go through that. I know the feeling, and it really does suck. People say that it does get better. I’m hoping they know what they’re talking about.
Right?! Everyday I hear the same stuff, “its gonna get better”, but it feels like it only gets worse. I feel like I am really unlucky. Like if something good happens to me, it gets taken away, no matter what. I just want to give it all up. What the hell am I fighting for? more sadness? They say it is like going to sleep and never waking up. It doesn’t sound so bad.
I have little to no friends, everyone in my town hates me. The guy I really like broke up with me and now he texts me once every week.
I’m confused, and I’m pressured. By everyone and everything. So many expectations of me. Straight A’s, pretty face, best clothes, funniest joke, nicest laugh, best body, most behaved, most intelligent. When will it all end.
I’m just a bit scared. What’s going to be on the other side, you know?
Ohh i totally understand what you mean. I loved my ex boyfriend more than he loved himself, i got depressed and he couldnt handle it. I felt like i couldnt do anything right. After seven months of being apart, last week he told me he wanted to try again…he gave it three days. Im broken again. Every tiny thing that could be good gets taken away. Its cruel of God to answer my prayer and then take it away. I also am a model at abercrombie so i understand the whole pressure thing. I always wonder who would be affected if i died, or if anyone would care.