Ok, so i guess i have to tell you something about me. Well im 14, girl, puertorican. So here’s the story of a messed up girl. She was never normal, never sane. Where should i begin?
Ok, I guess we should start at the very beginning. Ever since i could remember, i always thought of death. How would it feel to take that huge knife in the kitchen and just stab myself in the chest. Yeah, call me crazy. but i did wonder how it would feel to see the blood coming out of me as a waterfall and to slowly feel my soul being taken away. Yes, I thought this ever since i was a little girl. Around the age of 4 maybe thats when it started? I dont remember.
Well you could also say I’m the black sheep. The outcast that doesnt even fit in with the outcast. Even my own cousins tell me that. In my family I’m the youngest girl. The others that are around my age are guys. The only other cousin that is my age and a girl i only see her once a year. twice if im lucky. Well, anyways i never fitted in with my family. Sure, we could have conversations but i they never understood me. They think im just a happy, hyper, crazy girl without a care in the world. ha! if they could enter my mind, they would think the other way. The only family members that know what I go through is about 2 or 3 of my cousins. And i have a HUGE family.
Before I was this innocent, sweet girl that had quite a temper but still managed to act happy. That was slowly changing into what i am now. But i changed drastically 2 years ago when my uncle died. I cried for about 3 weeks straight. Or a month. After that I rarely smiled or talked to anyone in a whole year. I would do a small smile, shun everyone and just sit alone, i rarely talked to anyone.
The next thing should be my mom. She and i, well, we are polar opposites. Not physically but mentally. We ALWAYS have a fight. We have atleast one fight a week. And if we dont, that’s because we havent been around each other for too long. After my uncle’s death and how i was reacting, she dragged me to therapist or whatever. She thought i was falling in depression. Too bad she didnt notice that i was already too broken to repair.
Another thing is my dad. He and I are very much alike. Though sometimes, he hurts me without knowing. He sometimes joke about me being fat or how I’m f*cki*g crazy. I know I’m fat and ugly and probably mental. He doesnt need to remind me! Other than that he and I get along pretty well, but he can sometimes try and make me feel guilty, but it doesnt work. I just can’t feel guilty.
My sister and I get along pretty well, though we fight sometimes. She doesnt know much bout me with this suffering I’ve been going through but she’s always there for me.
My friends. Out of all my friends, there is only 1 that knows everything about me and tries to help me out of it, and vice-versa. I have 2 other friends that know a bit of what i do, but they don’t care. They always see me smiling, hyper, happy, and all that. They just don’t know how much i hide behind that simple little smile. Many of my ‘friends’ bully me without knowing. They make jokes about me, expecting me to laugh along. I do laugh along, because i don’t want to ruin their fun. Everytime they insult me they just go like “I’m just kidding” Well that ‘Just Kidding’ can cost you a life.
I’ve never had a boyfriend. There were only 3 guys in my life that have EVER even asked me to be with them. But want to know why i turn them down? Because I don’t know how you feel love or like. I’ve never had that experience. Also, because i don’t know what they like about me. I’m fat, ugly, worthless, selfish, short-tempered, freak, and the list goes on.
Do you know how many times I’ve thought of suicide? Billions! Know how many times I’ve cried myself to sleep and then i would punch myself for being a crybaby? Tons. Know how many times I’ve done self-harm? about 4 times. No, not cutting. Burning. I take some silverware and some matches. I heat up the silverware with the matches and press it to my skin. Know how many times I’ve tried to cut, but can’t and then slap myself a bunch of times for being a wuss? Lots.
I’m bullied because of the music I listen to. Where I’m from they listen mostly to Spanish rap, reggae, pop, and stuff like that. I like those types of music but i prefer rock, screamo, metal, techno, Japanese music, and that stuff. Since i live in a Spanish island, they make fun of me since i talk English a lot. Sure, i talk Spanish but i prefer english.
You’re probably bored out of your mind with this, so leave if you don’t want to continue.
I know I’m not the only one. Heck, I stopped 3 friends of mine from dying!
I guess we continue. There is this one friend of mine that I feel like she’s just waiting for the right moment to stab me in the back. She is younger than me by a year and she hurt my bestest friends that always helps me with my problems. Lets say her name is Eva and my bestest friend is Kira. Well Eva was pretending to be Kira’s friend because she was jealous of her. Kira was dating Eva’s crush so she pretended to be friends with her so she wouldnt look too suspicious. I feel bad because i knew about her crush before Kira got together with him. I never asked her how she felt about it till I found out that she admitted that. See? I’m the worst.
Another thing is that people think I’m either Bi or Lesbian. I don’t know why, but i think is because I’m dirty-minded. Yeah, when you have friends older and younger, also cousins who are guys and are older than you, you learn things. They always assume. They also think I’m satanist, which I’m not, emo, goth, and a BUNCH of other things.
I think I’m going to end this with the one time I was close to going through with suicide. My mother and i had ANOTHER fight. But this time, it was different. I don’t remember well the details but i can tell you this. I ran to the bathroom locking myself inside. The tears were already falling and i punched myself alteast 5 times. I looked through drawers and cabinets till i found them. Yeah, i had pills in my hand and i was about to do it. But after a while i decided against it. This is the easy way out. After all I’ve done, I DESERVE to suffer.
So now I’m here writing my story to a bunch of strangers. I’m pretty sure i missed some stuff, but I’m too tired to remember at the moment. You already read enough about me. Oh, yeah. I’m a smiling liar. Why? Because I always lie about my emotions. I dont have any anymore. I already made myself to put on a ‘happy face’ and now everyone thinks i’m fine. But a simple smile hides many tears.