DONE

I know, I feel the same way sometimes. Luckily, I’m getting better, I think. I’m taking some new medication and I think it’s working, finally. I still feel like that every once in a while, but I want you to know that recovery is possible. Depression is hard to beat, and something that really sucks about it (at least for me) is how addictive sadness is sometimes. Sadness is so common that it almost feels natural. That’s when I know I’m numb. It’s the only thing I know and understand sometimes, so I don’t even bother trying to get better. I don’t know if I’m the only one to think this way, I know it’s weird, but you just get used to it and every once in a while you find comfort in not trying at all and staying sad. I haven’t felt that way in almost two weeks and I’m surprised and proud of myself, I guess. I’m not saying I feel optimistic about most things, though. There’s a quote from one of Shakespeare’s plays that I relate to a lot.
“Not so happy, yet much happier.”
Sometimes thoughts of death make us feel better because it’s one way to get rid of all this pain. It’s kinda permanent, though. I’d rather explore other options that could actually help me find happiness instead of settling for something that will never help me feel better. I know that people don’t kill themselves to feel better. They do it because they’re sick of the pain. But now I realize there are other options. I don’t know if you’re seeing a therapist about this, but if you are you have to make sure you really connect with this person. They are human beings, after all, and maybe their personalities clash a little with yours and they won’t be able to help in a bigger way. It is actually advised to see different therapists to find a good “fit.”
I know it’s hard to accept or visualize this right now, but people do care about you and things CAN get A LOT better. The process is too slow sometimes and it seems that I’ll die before I get there, but I’m finally starting to see the light again. I can’t believe what I’m typing right now. It feels kind of unreal knowing that I might get better. I am 100% sure you can too. You WILL get better. I thought about killing myself a lot and I had zero hope for anything. I felt trapped. I felt there was no escape from that void. Yet, here I am, years later, finally thinking that there might be a chance of me getting through this. Please don’t give up. I wanted to give up so many times, and I’m pretty sure I’ll want to give up again, but I feel a little closer to recovery now and I know you can do the same. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life, but I think I might be able to do it now. Don’t give up. You are special and you matter. Something that I still have to work on that I want to recommend is finding new hobbies. For example, I want to get back to reading again because it used to be a huge part of my life. After I became depressed I lost interest in everything, including my friends. I felt alone. I wasn’t, though. It’s still hard for me to accept that I am not alone right now because I do feel so lonely every second of every day. At least I am noticing a change in mood.
Some advice that I found on the Internet one day was:
1) recognize the disordered voice in your head and the lies it is telling you
2) don’t give up even when the urges are unbearably strong and it feels impossible not to act on them
“Every flower must grow through dirt.”
You can be happy. It’s hard and seemingly impossible when you are in that state of mind, but don’t let it blind you. Here’s something I want to share with you for whenever you feel like killing yourself. Read it now even if you’re not suicidal because it will help you absorb the information better before you actually feel suicidal and you can’t concentrate with all the thoughts going through your head.
http://metanoia.org/suicide/
I really hope something I’ve said has helped you feel slightly relieved. Know that there are people who do care and you are not alone even when you feel the loneliest. Don’t let your emotions blind you.
We will both find happiness one day. Trust in that. I hope this week turns out better for you. Good luck.

-Carla