Dreaming

Death is a common subject here, so I’ll start there. I can’t seem to get it through my head that one day, everyone around me will die, and even I will die. My mother will be dead some day. She’s really beautiful. Rust colored hair, light brown eyes, small pale cat-like face, slender, and just absolutely gorgeous. My little brother will die some day. He’s got ocean blue eyes, and his pupils are always huge (he doesn’t do drugs, I swear). He’s smart, strong, funny, and a total lady’s man. My two older sisters will die. They’re both beautiful, smart, sweet, unique, and successful. My dad will die, my step-mom, my step-dad, my two perfect baby nieces, my best cousin, all of my friends, everyone..dead. I’ll die.

I don’t understand why those little perfect moments can’t and won’t last forever. I had a perfect moment today. There’s a river by my aunt’s house that I went to, and I walked upstream all the way to the base of it. The sun was out, few clouds, the water was shining and clear, and it was all beautiful. The green is finally taking over the trees, and the birds were singing and flying every where. Nature seems as if it’s the only thing that never changes, and that will last forever.

Another perfect moment: I learned how to play the bass line of Come Together by The Beatles. I don’t know really anything else on the bass besides that, but I’m proud of myself for learning it and being able to play such a sexy bass line.

I wish I could have stayed in my mother’s womb and never breathed the corrupt oxygen of this world. I feel like crying right now. It’s almost as if I’ve been on a nerve medication that’s too strong, and everything has built up and it’s getting ready to explode. I asked God to take me once, then I did it several other times. Maybe if I keep knocking, seeking, and asking, the door will be opened, I will find, and I will receive.

I wish my family and all of my very good friends could escape to a different world and stay there forever. I wish our minds could be cleaned of any knowledge on how ugly the world is, what we’ve done wrong, and the hurt we’ve all been through. I can’t believe I’m not wanting to get high or drink a lot right now, because usually that’s what I want to do when I talk or think about things such as this. I hope I can find a way to escape permanently.

I was in Lowe’s Home Improvement today, looking at kitchen sinks, cabinets, faucets, and flooring with my father and step-mother. I was walking down the faucet aisle with my step-mother, helping her choose a faucet. There was a baby boy in a cart going past me, and he was beautiful. He kept looking at me with a slight smile, and I couldn’t help but smile really big. He made my day, I think. It’s fascinating how small he is, how much he is pure and simple. He will never remember me, my face, my smile, and he will never know how he effected me today. I wish I could see him again and talk baby-talk to him. Toddlers and babies are amazing, I think. They are our gateway to more simple, beautiful, and purer state of minds.

Have you ever seen someone smile, and it lit your mind on fire? It’s like an explosion, and you just go into some sort of peaceful almost dreamy type state? Not like ‘oh my god I want to bone him/her’, it’s nothing about sex. It’s just how their smile lights up everything around them, even you. It’s electrifying. I met a person who did that to me a few weeks ago online. He got on cam, and I exploded. He’s really beautiful, inside and out. He’s very simple, funny, sensitive, passionate, and just absolutely amazing. He makes me feel awesome. He inspires me to do good things for people, and he makes me feel beautiful. I speak to him often, and he is my best friend right now. I hope he has the best life out of anyone I know.

Everything around us is dying. We’re like little ants here on Earth. Gathering, working, or just running around our little ant hill seemingly doing nothing. We don’t know how small we are, and how short our lives are. We just do what we do, and carry on without fully realizing that there’s a HUGE FUCKING GIANT PERSON RIGHT ABOVE OUR HEADS WITH A MAGNIFYING GLASS. We could have been born yesterday, or 50 years ago. We could have just donated to a Goodwill or homeless shelter. We could have just smoked a bowl of really good grass. We could have just graduated high school with a scholarship to an Ivy League. We could have just gotten into a fight with a loved one or some random person. We could have just gotten married to our soul mates. We could have just given birth to our first child and watched it take it’s first beautiful breath. We could have just cut our self and felt that shiver and release when we see the blood. It doesn’t matter what we just accomplished, failed at, done wrong, or have done good. There’s still going to be that fate, that huge fucking giant person with a magnifying glass waiting for us right around the corner. Any time, any day, any where, any one.  Ants are lucky though. I don’t think the other ants mourn or get depressed when a group member dies….

I’m going to wash my uncle’s truck tomorrow, because he paid me 20 dollars Friday to do it. I’m probably going to visit the cemetery down the road where my sister and other family members are buried, then I will come back to my room where everything is peaceful and calm and listen to ‘You Have No Clue’ by Royksopp, ‘Dreaming’ by DJ Mr. Olsey, and many other songs that help me to escape and feel as if I’m in a world full of beautiful, mysterious, and other-worldly things.

This was a random post, and these words are from my soul. I wonder if any of you ever think about that when reading someone’s post, like I do sometimes. “Is this legit, seriously what this person somewhere in the world is thinking, feeling, and doing?” You probably do, but it might be out of shock because of some of the very surprising things that are said. This post isn’t surprising, shocking, or any kind of rare thing you read. It’s just whatever, I guess. But it is straight from me,  a 15 year old in the U.S somewhere.