Exhausted and Want out.

I dont know if I am over reacting or not, but I am so tired of dealing with depression. I’m so tired of feeling tortured day in and day out and never seeing any end to anything I do.

I am currently a college student and nothing I do on campus seems to help my cause.  I am probably just feeling sorry for myself, but I am probably dyslexic and can’t stay focused in any of the classes i am taking and therefore failing them.  I find little interest in anything I do and therefore skip all of my classes that I have to go to.  My friends bore me and annoy me and all they want from me is my Fake ID even though I stopped drinking.  I cant stand the taste of alcohol anymore after bad experiences and yet they just keep pushing me to drink again and again.

I want a new life.  I have a girlfriend that I never can see because she lives 3000 miles away from me.  I cant make her happy anymore even though she tries so hard and I just do anything for her attention even when shes too busy for me.

There are days where i wont get out of bed at all, I wont eat, I wont shower, or anything.  I constantly wish that something bad would happen to me so that I wouldnt be my fault if I just disappeared.  I just dont think I have the courage yet to kill myself but I dont think it will be very long before that happens.

Today was the very first day I start self inflicting harm on myself by beating my head and fists into the walls.  I dont think I’m ready for cutting yet.

I dont know what to do.  I’ve tried meds, and a therapist, and exercise.  My parents sent me to a eastern medicine healer as if I was possessed or something and none of it works.  They thought exercise or even being out in the sun would make me happier but it hasnt and after struggling on and off for 3 years now, I frankly done.