Failed as a Man

I’m a 26 year old guy who has a paralyzing, crippling fear of intimate physical contact.  The idea of hugging makes me ill, and the thought of actually having sex is once of the most terrifying violations of my personal space I could imagine.  I hate myself for feeling like this, because while I am utterly terrified, I want these things more than life itself.

I’ve tried almost a decade of therapy and drugs with no effect.  The bottom line is always: “Just go out there and expose yourself to it.  It’s the only way to get used to it.”

How?  I don’t have any friends, and as a male, I can’t get a girlfriend if I’m afraid of physical contact.  Men are expected to initiate the signal that they’re interested through physical contact.  I can’t do that, so it’s a catch-22.

I’ve tried internet dating, but the reality is, internet dating is a woman’s world.  I’m not an attractive man.  I’ve messaged hundreds of women, and gotten fewer than a dozen responses.  I know why, it’s got nothing to do with my messages.  I’ve created fake profiles of more attractive men (taller, bigger, etc) and got tons of responses for literally the same simple message.  The exact same ones.  That little experiment proves that I’m problem.

I realize that at this stage in my life, it’s hopeless.  A man who can’t even hold hands with a woman isn’t a man.  He’s nothing.  No woman will ever want to help me, because the fact that I am broken means I’m not worth helping.  It’s a hopeless ituation.

I have completely failed as a man.

I want to kill myself.  I need to.  I don’t want to live my entire life knowing that I will alone and alienated.

Someone please kill me.