Yesterday I got into a fight with my parents. What they’re trying to do is sign me up for a summer camp that I don’t want to go. They say that I’m too isolated, and I am isolated. However, I’m isolated because of me having enough of hearing everyone scream at everyone else, and being with anyone becoming increasingly uncomfortable. I mean, though, when you’re brother is having a screaming fit over a computer game can you blame me for avoiding the situation?
Back on the subject of that camp; my parents have been trying to get me out of the house for several months now because my hiding has gone from not talking to people for a few hours to avoiding them for a few days. My parents say that often they don’t even know when I’m home because they never see or hear me! See! I don’t matter! So, in what ammounts to a last-ditch effort to get me interacting with work-a-day people, they are trying to enlist me in summer camp. Of course, I really don’t want to go! I don’t want to go because I’ve been to summer camp and have hated every minute of it. I also don’t want to go because being alone is a lot better than speaking to “chums.” They kept on telling me that this time was going to be different, but yesterday I had it. I tore up all the registration forms for the various camps, and I was convinced that my voice was finally going to be heard. Of course my parents were less than thrilled and got very angry, which I was not expecting. They made me tape each and every thing I ripped back together again, but then I lost my composure and began acting erratically. I started crying, pinching myself, and my mom became concerned because she realised that I was not kidding. For the rest of the day, as a matter of fact, I only wanted to die. I still want to die. I don’t blame my parents for getting angry, because it was my fault and my miscalculation. However, my current mood is just the latest in a pattern of loss of interest and increasingly, anger. To tell you all the truth, I’m not even that angry about the fight because if the goal was to make my parents really sad I certainly succeded at that. Hey! I succeded at something for once! Trust me, that success has been absent, because I am currently failing math. God! When I even think about that I want to kill myself!
On an entirely separate issue, I’m gay. I have known this for two years and no-one in my life knows. This means that among other things, a primary motive for social contact (romantic interest) has been disqualified. No, by the way, I don’t plan on coming out soon, with all the horror stories and that. I have also gotten into the habit of flirting with girls in order to disspell any rumors. I know this is wrong but at least I get the satisfaction of knowing that I am good for something, even if that thing is taking advantage of people. Oh, that is so messed up.
As always, I am sorry for wasting your time.
5 comments
hun welcom to the world of the teen your going to have aguments with them dont let them tell you your going to some thing agents your will but at the same time you cant piss them off to much find a midel grownd were your can both stand
the gay thing i dont have much personal exprants in ut i have gy frends thay had the same problems as you are now personly (and im not saying i understand and you shoud do this cos i dont whant to fors you) i think you shud be prowd of being gay when people make fun put ur midel finger to them and kik them were it herts like i say im i dont understand what its like so this is the best i cant do good luck frend 🙂 xx
Do any of you guys have ideas on how I could come out? I mean, if it went badly it would probably push me over the edge given where I am right now, but if it went well, I would be very happy.
I remember some of the fights I used to have with my parents. They used to make me so fucking mad. I know it sucks to hear this and it might sough like a cop out but these years of your life, and theirs, are a huge struggle for both parties. Imagine you are a parent, and have literally taken care of a child since birth.. then, as they grow, they want to make their own choices and be independent. Parents often resist this because they know how big and scary the world can be. Teens often think this is overbearing because it feels like you are being treated like a baby. My parents used to make me do so much dumb shit. It sounds so silly now but my dad used to wake me up early as fuck to go mow the grass on a busy property (of course he could never ask my sister). As a girl, I felt like I looked like an idiot pushing that mower and my friends from school (often older boys) would drive by, honk and yell things at me. It freaking sucked and made me SOOO mad/embarassed. Now, when I look back I just laugh because why would I give a fuck what they thought of me!? AND I was making money!! Plus, as an adult now, I actually like mowing, it is kind of calming in some weird way. What I am getting at is that life is so much about perception. And, in order to be able to have better days, you have to realize that other people will never see the world you do, and you will never see it they way they do. The best shot you have at getting people to see your view is calmly explaining it to them.. perferably when either party is not in the middle of a heated argument. It may sound stupid but have you thought about writing your parents a letter? Not a letter when your pissed off and just want to write “I HATE YOU” (I literally used to write my mom notes that said that). What I mean is a letter, when you are calm, that direcly explains how you feel. Not only will you get your point across, your parents will begin to realize that you are becomming an adult and can handle life situations from a mature, calm standpoint. I know the camp thing might sound like a horrible idea to you, but what do you really have to lose? What is the worst that could happen? I imagine the worst thing being that you go, and hate it. But, as I said before, if you go into it with a perception that you are going to have fun and get away from your annoying parents, then you might just come home with a different perception of the whole thing. Life is better when you have meaningful relationships with people. They don’t have to be people you are related to. There may be someone who is also being forced to go to camp for the same reasons. It could be your future best friend/boyfriend? The possibilites are endless. The way I see it (I could be totally wrong), but your parents are just doing what they think is best for you. If you can imagine how hard it is for them to see you isolated, you might just see why this is a solution they are considering. If camp is something you are totally against, maybe suggust something to your parents that you would be interesting in doing, like an art class, martial arts, guitar, ANYTHING that you might be interested. It will show them you are meeting them half way and they will probably back off a little bit. Like I said before, try to do this in a calm manner. Ask them to sit down and talk to you when there hasn’t just been a fight.. OR, the letter is always a great option because you get to choose what you want to say and don’t want to say. It then gives them time to digest it and maybe talk about it and be more reasonable. I hope this helps a little!
Peace & Love 🙂
You are not gay.
Nobody is gay. That does not exist. What it is is that certain people are going through the process of emotional wounds deriving from about 10 different factors that are well studied in the literature, and there is no big deal about it. The thing is that in English you don’t have the distinction in the verb “to be” between permanent condition (say, being black) and temporary condition (being gay). When you fix your emotional wounds and some other things affecting you, you will be back to normality with regards to sexual inclinations. Don’t let the ignorant people around telling you things like, “oh yes, it is good that you are proud of being gay, or welcome to the club, or well done etc, they are just ignorant people. Being gay is like being depressed, in fact, it is a meta-stage of depression when people resort to other persons searching imaginary things or feelings to compensate the pain they have gone through. So dont worry about it.
With regards to your writing, you have good talent as a story teller, you could make a writer of yourself. The selection of words make very colorful descriptions and that is funny to read.
Reading your script also it is clear that you have good caring parents. They are failing at identifying the problems that you are having, but don’t blame them because they are not psychologists, in fact, you know, the vast immense majority of people miss or don’t identify the issues that others have and that gives rise to huge misunderstandings in human relations.
It is not healthy to stay isolated, but that doesn’t mean that you have to hang out with whatever is around. Be selective and picky with your choices. You are young and you can choose. And one last thing. Take things a bit easier please, don’t go that emotional about minor things, apply your intelligence to realize that you should not take things that extreme.
best regards
O
You are who you are and you shouldn’t feel the need to hide it. If people react in a negative way then fuck them they don’t matter. If they were really your friends than they would accept you and your feelings. I understand that coming out it is hard to do and scary, but I think you would feel better because if you came out you wouldn’t have to hide anything and you can act normally! It would be one less thing to worry about.
And about your parents… I’ve had and still have many problems with my parents and I understand how hard it is to live with them. In my case, my parents are only trying to do what’s best for me. But they are not me… they don’t understand what I feel and how I think and they certainly don’t understand what I’m going through. So you just have to remember that its your life and you should do whats the best for yourself and make your own decisions. Don’t go to camp if you don’t want to. Take control of your life, because thats how you should live life.