I’ve been searching for ways out this mess, I’m not going to dwell on my struggles, for anyone here, anyone whom chooses to read this, you all have your battles & struggles so I’m sure you know exactly what I mean by hopeless and in despair, we wouldn’t be here otherwise.
Asearlier I mentioned, I have been searching for any means out of this mess. I have tried multiple doctors, psychology & psychiatry, I jumped head first into anonymous fellowships & for years worked & applied the 12 steps in my life, I have given my will & my life to God through an extensive adherence to church & the morals & values that are embodied into its core foundation. I have tried friendships & relationships, I even tried through drugs & self mutilation. Desperation can really alter ones judgement.
For almost 20 years now I’ve been surrendering and putting up my dukes. I’ve tried up, down, left, right, inside outside, black & white & all the shades of grey in between. Â By now I’m sure you get what I’m saying. Â Point is that I have absolutely nothing left in me. The path of suicide is the very last option I have considered, tho I’ve been urging tge process for those 20 years. I am now 30 & I’m here to say I will not continue this life any longer. I have found peace in the knowledge that I am no longer able to fight & suicide is inevitable. I have planned this in the past several weeks, I have made all the necessary arangements to make this awful process as painless for myself as well as myselff loved ones.
Since my loved ones never took my signs of suicidal tendencies seriously, Â I really hate to prove them otherwise. I have written 37 letters to everyone I hate to cause pain & disapointment, yet again. I feel so unspeakably broken hearted that I am going to cause someone so much harm. I’ve debated & tabled this decision over & over, time & again, but my self centered flaws emerge victorious.
I am truly sorry if I cause any harm to anyone here, I am sorry that I was of no help to anyone here tho that was my intention uopn joining this site.
To simmer anyone’s curiosity what its like to be at the end of the rope as several have been that I discovered through reading some of these posts, it is very uncomfortable. It is a demoliting & eerie surreal discomfort to know I have only less than 12 hours left, that in such a short time everything within my place will just come to nothing and horror is all I will leave behind for my family. Â I love them so much, I just can’t go on any longer & I just hope that at least one, just one person out there understands why.
I will pray before I am off that you all shall find a peace in your hearts & some solace in your anxious minds. Even though I don’t know you I love you and you deserve the best because you’re so beautiful. If you wanted to say anything to me but couldn’t, its okay because I know exactly what you would say and I thank you for it.
I guess my intentions for even writing here at this moment is that maybe someone here who’s struggling with suicidal thoughts but doesn’t seem to grasp the seriousness of this struggle, that people (as I will) die from this, so please fight til your arms fall off. This is not a joke. As for me I have broken both my legs falling this deep.
Please take care all, you are so beautiful.
Thank you…
JerzyBoy
16 comments
Yo JerzyBoy… C’mere… We could use your insight, and maybe help each other out.
http;//www.******.com/Crisis-Chat
As you wrote, I’d like to return the “I love you too”. It really is a decision that torments the mind…it’s hard to be in that position of so much pain. It’s so painful to know that actions will have consequences, even when you’re gone, isn’t it?
I am sorry for your long journey of pain. It really is surreal. It is a place that nobody wants to be.
You said to fight until your arms fall off. You’re typing, so I hope that you give a little minute or two to talk a little more. Would you like to email me? I know how hard it is to be scared, lonely and so so desperate. But I promised myself that I would go through every resource out there and exhaust every option before truly making a decision.
I had a shiver run down my spine when you wrote paragraph #7. You’re beautiful as well. I can tell through your words that you care. You were determined all those years. I’d love to know you more. Talk to me, hang in there, let’s fight until our arms fall off.
I know things are hard. Beyond hard. And everything seems hopeless. I know you’re in pain and you’ve got your mind made up, and everything I say in this post may mean nothing to you but please. Please don’t do this. Im not trying to patronise you, or minimise your situation. But you are loved, you are a person of value and of substance, you mean something to the world. You are hurt and you are broken…but please don’t destroy yourself..don’t rip yourself away from the lives of people who love and care for you. I don’t know you but I know that you are a good person with a big heart. Yes, you may have done and said shitty things. You may have gone through and seen things no one should have to experience. But you are a beautiful soul and you dont have to fight this fight alone. Your family loves you. I love you. Please, if you decide to change your mind, please talk to me. I am not one to make empty promises. I will be there for you, as long as you want me to.
Hi JerzyBoy,
I never got teary eyed reading any of these posts before I always saw the truth behind most stories and with my experiences generally feel there is something I can say. Its sad because if that’s you in the picture I bet a few people think your pretty cool and you got them sympathetic eyes, that could be your issue.
It took a very long time to get here but today maybe twice a week I wish death, pray even to send me to sleep. Only 2 months ago I was sure it wont be long, I always thought I would die at 27 anyway but I really don’t care, Ce la vie.
I don’t think I can change anything but I just want you to know, well done for being true. I’m sure your life seems cold and sad in these dark hours, if its any solace tonight I’m with you my prays go out to you, I wish you peace and ease.
I wish you well friend, its hard at the end, really look into yourself at that point and if you have hesitancy that usually means there is a good way back, not that you may see at the time or it will be easy mind and even seem impossible at times but…
p.s. I love the letters to people you hate a very bitter sweet, almost wish I hadn’t killed my memory with booze an dope.
Much love,
Nocternal
Jerzey Boy: “real men” mirror what you have written. If you are still her, I hope you check in; if not, I hope you have found peace. – dw
*here
I dont know you either, but still tears are in my eyes because in 12 hours time, the world will lose another beautiful soul. I want to congratulate you for making it this long, trying everything you have. I wish you from the bottom of my heart a painless passing, and a peaceful resting beyond <3
I wish I knew you. Your writing is poetic, and your picture is beautiful. I wish you would stay do I could get yo know you, however, yo live in this void is heart wrenching. God speed.
Actually, I don’t know what you are going through. I have been depressed, but I haven’t been in the place you describe. I don’t have 20 years experience of doctors, psychology and psychiatry, anonymous fellowships AND the church.
You could help me, and people like me, and other people who feel as shit as you do right now. We don’t want to be the loved ones who miss the suicidal tendencies of the people we love. We don’t mean to miss the signs when we are about to lose the cherished lives of the people we love.
The question is, can your journey contribute to other people’s journeys, maybe help prevent other people from taking their own lives through your empathy? Help people from missing the signs?
With 20 years experience of all this, how could you not? I am 100% positive you could be the guy to save lives. This experience is your nightmare, and I am so sorry for that, but it could be your gift to the world too.
Your post is so painfully honest I’ve been where your at and the road back is long gods speed
probably late but i want to wish you a safe journey!
I have read your previous posts now, I was where you are I know that pain, I hope you stayed there is a way just not as grand or epic as envisioned but mundane and simple those epic moment then follow them epic moments come back. I don’t know you and I miss you, gods blessed hope resides within, you gave me sight I never knew.
God speed, strength and truth.
Nocternal
Ah, please still be here, Sir. I went through the 12 step program with al-anon as well. Even quoted Fight Club during this one meeting (it was more well-received than I thought it would be) which is also a brilliant story, if you haven’t read it yet. But I’m an agnostic that really didn’t quite fit in there and I knew what worked for these wonderful people wouldn’t work for me.
I didn’t want to reply to this to talk about myself, but to explain why I feel I do understand.
“Is everything speeding up, or am I slowing down? I’m just spinning around and I don’t know why.” To quote an awesome song.
There’s a cycle I’ve succumbed to more times than I could count for as long as I can remember. Where your will is fiery and you’re hot blooded and passionate and you’re going to give it your all and stick to your guns and then… You’re tired. Disassociated. Maybe getting worked up over things that don’t really affect you, and you’re not sure why they’re getting to you, and – tangenting.
You don’t have to struggle alone. If you need help, there is nothing wrong with that and in no way does that mean you’re defective, burdening, or incapable in any way.
It’s exhausting going through the same problems over and over again. Things you figured you’d have learned to deal with by now. It’s fine. Stop chastising yourself, clearly you are an empathetic and compassionate person. Here you are saying you’re going to die and you’re telling everyone how much you love them and how much you care.
You’re tipping the scales in this world by existing. In a positive way. Please don’t kill yourself because you think you’re some catalyst for unfortunate events or something.
Good waves, no matter how small, are still good. And that counts.
If you’re still alive, please talk to me.
Or anyone of these kind souls here. Just don’t bloody off yourself, for christ’s sake.
Don’t let yourself go. The best has yet to come. It doesn’t have to end like this.
Checking in again. Hope you’re okay Jerzyboy. Someone wrote a beautiful message to you on the homepage/ main messages of Suicide Project too.
@anonalabama…yeah, I think about him. too. This was one of those posts that really touched me…
I cant stand it I don’t want anyone to die I am on the verge of tears god I hate this life!