I’ve dealt with depression and suicidal ideation since I was a teenager. I’ll be turning 29 this week. I told my doctor that I was planning on ending my life on my birthday. He said if someone is really going to then there’s nothing he can do to prevent it. He’s right and he knows me well enough to know that statement is true.
I want it but I’m scared too. I shouldn’t be. I’ve attempted before and it wasn’t all that bad and the parts that I assume were bad (ER, ICU) I don’t remember anyway. But I am scared. I don’t want to think about my dog whining to go outside but no one there to let him out after I’m dead and before they find me. I don’t want a family member to find me. I wish it could just happen without anyone having to find me and the dog being fine. Being scared makes me doubt whether I should even do it but then I think about how ridiculous I’d look having told the doctor I’m going to and then not acting. It’d look like I just wanted attention when really he’s the only person I even considered telling because he’s the only person I know I can trust not to lock me away for saying something like that.
I don’t know what to do. I am ok with dying. I long for it. I know the actual physical process wont be too bad; I’ve been at death’s door before. At the same time I don’t want to hurt others. Nor do I want to look like an idiot for saying it and not doing it. I just don’t know. Luckily I’ve only got a matter of hours left to decide.
3 comments
Don’t do anything rash, your birthday is not some magical time that needs to be punctuated by your demise to have some meaning, and (I will simply be blunt on this last point) killing yourself to avoid looking foolish because you said you would is the dumbest thing I have ever heard.
My advice to you is to let this day pass, get out of panic mode, and think about it in a few days when you have a little distance. Be well.
I know how you feel, I long for dying too. It’s something I think about everyday, most all day. I know also how you feel when you say you don’t want to hurt anyone else the idea of hurting family is probably the hardest part for me, but I want you to know that even though me and you and millions of other people out their feel like dying is the answer, its not. I know everyone always said’s the same old plee’s of don’t do it, you cant go through with it so on and so forth. I think giving up is you saying you’ve given up in not only yourself but everything else in life and I don’t think that you have, because your worried about your dog being alone and someone finding you, and the truth is I think we all just want to feel loved and not alone and feel like were not the only ones going through this. So please don’t do it, not because anyone is telling you that you shouldn’t but because you know that you shouldnt, because you are much better and stronger than any of that.
Deep down inside you dont actually want to die…you just want your pain to end….
I hope you live to be wished a happy birthday….