Loneliness..

Hi, I am new here, and recently I’ve been thinking more and more about suicide.

When I was 7, my mother and 4 year old sister were murdered while I was at school, and my dad was out of state looking for work. In result of that tragedy, I developed bulimia, PTSD, and Bipolar Disorder.  When I began sixth grade, I began doing drugs. I popped pills, ran away, stole, lied. I got pregnant twice my freshman year by the same guy but miscarried both times. I started smoking when I was 14. I was turning horrible. I wasn’t even thinking about my actions ;  I knew that wasn’t really me. I remember crying so hard , thinking about how my mom would not be proud and that’s not the kind of person I’d want my little sister to look up to. So, slowly but surely I began straightening out and eventually got over drugs, pills, running away, etc. But. I began cutting. I’d do it almost daily. I tried hiding it. It was basically impossible. My whole arm was covered, i’d wear sweatshirts year round. I still cut, on occasion, but not as often.. My Dad started changing after they were taken from us. His anger progressed, I’ve been taken out of my home twice. Now i’m back at home, and he’s doing a loooott better with his anger. We never argue anymore, yell, nothing. Things started getting bad once I went back to school. I began getting bullied and made fun of. The empty feeling started growing deeper and deeper. My dad got a girlfriend after 9 years. I really like her and they’re still together. They were expecting a baby. I was so excited to become a big sister again after losing my baby sister. I was so excited I started buying baby clothes, toys, books, etc. He was due April 18th, but sadly, March 20th my dad had called me while I was at school and told me we lost the baby.. Thats when everything REALLY came crashing down after 9 years of losing two other very important people in my life. I didn’t know what to do; My dad and his girlfriend did and have been doing fairly well, but I am just a depressed.. mess. I miss being happy, normal, glowing. I miss not being scared of people; or the world, for that matter. I want to die – I mean ,   I genuinely do. I want to escape from the emptiness and pain i’ve felt for nine years. I do, so badly. But, I can’t get myself to do it; because of dad. I just can’t put him through losing another child.. But I just keep pushing and pushing closer to my limit.. Can anyone help? I’m stuck and frozen. /;

thanks for taking time to read this.. I hope I can get some help, just someone to talk to.

Thanks again, much love.