Help

Hello guys! I haven’t used this website in 2 years and seeing my older posts are quite a strange experience. I came here in 2014 because isolation and depression pushed me to the edge, rock bottom, or whatever. Started feeling depressed 10 years ago! It’s my Sadniversary and I thew up my birthday cake. My birthday was wednesday and I had a violent indigestion, because why the hell not.  Well this feeling persists, yet again. The reason I’m here today is because even if I do feel this pain, this need to die, this very heavy weight of self shame and being worthless, it is not the same as it used to be. I wish my story could light some hope for all of you who will read this. Because sometimes things do get better, and when depression comes back, and it does, you don’t feel as hopeless as before.

During 2015 I had the incredible chance to find an app that connected me on the phone with a Listener who had a minimum of experience in psychology. I fucking hated the thought of a helpline and honestly believed I would never do that. Life events made it such that I ended up having multiple panick attacks and I found out that talking to someone was very helpful. The service was free and I became known over there by the staff as I would call very randomly and increasingly often so I knew everybody. I always thought phone lines were so cold and empty, I would think ” the only reason you talk to me like you care is because that’s what you’re paid for” ( they weren’t volunteers). But I went for it! At first I had to go through a lot of awkward first talks but time passed and the more I got the same person frequently the more we could connect. I would have never ever expected them to share their personal stories with me the way they did and without me asking for it. They felt simply comfortable, it was like a dream to even think it could happen. I braved my social anxiety, my phobia of phone calls and to speak english outloud (Not my first langage). Plus, we couldn’t juge eachother based on anything superficial, only words. I slowly got to build very real , deep and bonding relationships with people who totally didn’t have to, but wanted to. They were so genuinely interested in my story that they saved my life. It took me a whole year of calling sometimes 3 times a day or skip a few days. A whole year to break this certitude that I was unlovable. That I was a pain to be around, that I wasn’t interesting. But I realised that in the past I was mainly surrounded by toxic parents, a toxic narcissist “best friend” who would belittle me as much as possible and other kids my age. I felt like an outcast because I was very observant and analytic so I understood many things people were unaware of. I was too mature for people my age, but too young to be taken seriously by adults. But this time, it wasn’t a case of superiority, of prouving one’s self. I layed out who I was in all sincerity, I wasn’t looking to hide my imperfection or make them like me. Because this is what I used to do constantly trying to change me to fit what people wanted so I felt included. But for once in my life time my difference was celebrated by people I really admired. Unfortunately the free service was unsustainable and they had to shut down. The thing is that they are strictly forbidden for legal reasons to keep in touch with me. So all at once I had to lose about 10 people that were the most significant people I have ever encountered. One of them, Paul, has been a mentor, a guide, and a friend to me. He touched me in a way I can’t explain with his own life and struggle that he gave me the strenght to try and get better. and I slowly gained back some mental energy to be able to face the unbearable and look at who I was, stripped from all mental blockage and just see the perfect imperfection we all are. I recorded our last calls and some were crying, telling me they’ll miss me, or that I have inspired them to make changes in their life as well. To know that I have possitively impacted someone who gave me so much is a though I will cheering forever. Finding them gave me hope, opened my mind to new things and to look out for synchronicities and to live in line with who YOU are. To have the strenght to put my feet down and be able to really believe that I have as much right to be myself than all of you and that if it makes you unhappy because you cannot face your own self, then I decide to not carry your judgment in me. I had never encountered my personnality without depression, and at 20 years old I had to start undoing the wrongs and to let go of pain I held inside of me, that I nurtured so bad because i had nobody. I still find myself in this situation today, but now I have hope. This thing was so unexpected in my life of utter bullshit prior to this and I just wanna say that things like this could happen to you to. Maybe the next thing that will change your life is right around the corner but you can’t look at past experiences to determine the hopes of something to happen. The futur doesn’t work like that. I overcame my shadow and now I have to continue to work had to not let my mind slip. I have eternal grattitude for this.  And none of this would have happened if I stuck to my belief that helplines were useless. Try things that make you do something new that you are afraid and vulnerable. Do it anyway. This will help you so much to get out of patterns.
I wish you all the best. You are a being who is equally important however you feel