I can’t take the loneliness anymore. I have been a loner most of my life and all I want is to meet one other person that I can relate to and maybe have a companion. What started out as shyness has turned into self loathing and shame. I try to be friendly and positive to try and attract friends and partners, but I have to be artificial to get people to like me and I feel like I can’t let anyone get too close to me. I haven’t had any actual friends since I was a kid and I’ve only been with one girl. I liked being in a relationship, but I made up a lot of lies to avoid embarrassment and the relationship was doom to fail. I thought maybe I would get better in time, but I haven’t. I hate that I have to lie and make shit up to fit in. I’ll never be able to be myself. I have tried so hard to find other loners on social sites, but we are a rare breed it seems. I don’t want to make friends with people who don’t understand this. I need to find someone soon. I want to just kill myself right now, but I know it would destroy my family and I don’t want to leave them with that.
jmlh84@gmail.com
Calgary, Canada
6 comments
Would you believe me if I tell you that what you said was so close to who I am? I am a loner. Just like you, it’s too hard to keep up the pretense just so people will like me. I maybe surrounded by a lot of people but no matter how I tried to appear happy in the end I’ll find myself in a corner wanting to be with them.
And as the time goes by, I just let things be. It’s too tiring to try be someone else.
Oh, I’m sorry it’s supposed to be “who I am” not “who I was”.
I’m not from a country who’s English is the first language. Forgive my grammar.
Wow, I can certainly relate to what you posted. I am very much the same. I have to try to be someone I’m not to attract people, and I can’t do that. It just creates stress and anxiety. So I just continue on as aloner and it gets lonelier. I am so ready to check out.
I fully understand you. I havent had a girl since the Reagan times and now that I struggle (but only in my thoughts) to get a girl, my body has changed and I fart every 15 minutes, so I would have a horrible time in any company. Last year a girl came for lunch and stayed 3 hours, for which I had to hold 4 x 3 = 12 farts or about 10 cubic meters of farts. I had horrible cramps even I had to accompany her to the bus station. This farting issue also makes me ineligible to get a job, unless I have the whole building for myself or I work in the fields picking grapes or peppers. I am thinking about adopting a family, but I am going to have to buy them the apartment next door so that we share space only when I am fine, or I have the opportunity to go out “for a walk”. 🙁
Sadly, I think that there are way more lonely people out here than you think Landon. Since we tend to “sit back” we are not overly active in chat rooms or forums. I also looked for such a place online and I wish there was a better way to connect with people in our state of mind that just want to chat once in a while. I choose solitute yet like many others here but hate the feeling of loneliness that comes with it. I’m glad you are reaching out. I know that it will help you to feel a little less isolated and hopefully you will find someone close in age etc that you can confide in and lean on during times like this.
A friend.. a measure of true value