My Story

I was inspired to write my story I’ve already posted it but I was vague and didn’t really go into detail about myself. In the sixth grade I was bullied by kids in my class and didn’t have any friends at first I was fine with it but then it got to me and it made me hate who I was and feel ugly from the on I hated going to school and I would cry when I got home and used to wish that I were beautiful or interesting so people would like me but to make myself feel better I would watch anime’s where I could relate to the characters and listen to music that made me feel good. When I got to the seventh grade I wasn’t bullied anymore and moved from the school to a new town away from the familiarity of students who I’ve seen since first grade to a new school with people I  didn’t know. I ended up not making any friends at all ad spent so much time inside the house that whenever I went out besides school I’d feel very self-conscious and pretty much became a loner then in the eighth grade I found a group of friends to hang out with it was nice to have people to hang out with but I still felt empty and like I had nobody that understood me or accepted who I was. When I got to the ninth grade I entered high school and the friends I hung out with in the eighth grade went to different schools and I didn’t take the transition too well it was like time had flown by and I began to feel extremely depressed and empty and didn’t know how to deal with my feelings so I ignored them but they kept festering and eventually I began to lose my interest in things and my appetite so I dropped out of activities to figure out why I was so depressed and I did this  the whole school year and spent a lot of my time in between classes and at home writing letters to God trying to fix everything this went on until the last day of school when one of my letters that I had lost made its way to the school social worker who wanted to talk to me about my depression but I denied everything because I was afraid , when I got home that day I cried my eyes out.  During the summer I spent  my time trying to start over and try new activities but nothing stuck because I was too frustrated and had no more patience.

When I got back to school in the fall I had a bucket list and plans of suicide after  I finished it but I managed to find this site and have had people to talk to. I’ve done a lot in these past months I apologized to my friends and explained to them why I cut them odd and I went back to the school social worker to get help which didn’t really go too well like I feared  b/c of my mom but at least I tried. I still feel ugly and don’t feel good about myself ad right now my self-esteem and confidence are so low that whenever I look at pictures of pretty girls on Tumblr (which I probably shouldn’t do its pretty triggering) wishing I was better looking than I am now maybe because for once I want people to like me and say positive things about me but I guess having depression is a chance to change that and erase the pain that being bullied and self hatred has caused me but this is very scary because I can’t see myself that way and sometimes I wish all this never happened to me and that I could have just told someone about this and tried to myself.

Thanks for listening to my story I’m sorry it was long