They want to send my back to the hospital, and i don’t even care, i don’t care about anything anymore…putting weight on, breaking things, mess…my scars…it all used to push me to the point id freak out and cry and cry and cry. Now, i just don’t care i just lay in bed and wait, wait for they day i get the chance to end it all…i never thought it’d be possible to not care and to feel a world of pain at the same time. But it really is, the only other time iv felt This Bad, was when i last attempted to kill myself and almost succeeded. I hate myself everyday for not just locking the door. I hate everyday that i’m such a failure i couldn’t even do that. They want to send me back and i don’t care…ill just get out again and this process will repeat..Because i’m too fucking tired of trying to pull myself out of this misery. I’m just fucking tired. All i want is peace…pure unconsciousness.
I am, Well suited for erasing, Fading into hazy, I’m sinking strong…
4 comments
“and this process will repeatâ€
Your right of course
Measurements victim
Harsh and cruel
Replicating virus
Dark mass a cancerous void
……
Unlocked door
Cry from the outside
Cry from the inside
Life call
Despair is easier then hope
Hope is easier than doing
Doing is easier than being.
Despair is easier then hope
Hope is easier than doing
Doing is easier than being.
this is somewhat true, we dont choose to be miserable because its easier though, we dont choose it at all.
As much as we choose anything,
The path of despair does not require much work, though some work quite hard at it, while the path of happiness is experienced as requiring allot of work, though at the end when experienced no work at all.
The paradox being that we work for that which no work is required!
You bring up an interesting conundrum.
Science has shown that we can choose to be happy while depression just happens.
How can both be true?
When I am honest I must confess that being one of the depressed has become very much a part of my identity.
There is a part of me that refuses happiness.
Perhaps life is more predictable as the depressed and requires less of me.
How many of those that post here are lost in the wait of hope?
The passive hope of ‘if only’ the wait for that future someday which the past transforms into regret.
Hope a magical wish to change what has happened and or wait for that “something†to appear out of thin air.
How many of us are lost in our doing? Measuring acceptability in the mirror of others and that promised advertised expectation of what we can’t even define. We grasp and grasp and find our fingers clinging to air.
The path of being requires work on ourselves in order to overcome the need to work on ourselves.
The practice of allowing the moment and ourselves in the moment to be witness to the moment, that we might respond instead of react.
Like a master martial artist who trains until the response is the reaction.