relapse.

i was feeling extremely sad about an hour ago. i sobbed out loud for a long time. my face was getting numb. i let the tears dry out on my face and my glasses form tear stains. i can’t move my face and i don’t really care. i dwell and dwell and think and think of what to do to get out of it. i remember overdosing on abilify and antidepressants in the past. 180 pills i took that time. my mistake was that somehow i ended in the emergency room. suddenly a huge rush comes over me, and i get excited and obsessive. i search for all the psychiatric meds that i have; half bottle, full bottles, sealed containers of abilify, 8 cases of unopened saphris, and more. i feel high. i hold the key. i take all the bottles and containers and hide them secretly. i sit back and sigh a huge air of relief. i found a way. my way. i get a thrill of hoarding pills because i know that with the right amount and some alcohol, i can make my great escape. i want to leave everyone with their minds blown. i want to leave everyone asking questions. and then i want to disappear for good from every single memory they may hold of me. i want the family pictures to be a stab in the heart every time their eyes land on my image. i know i am dead already. i can see my body decomposing. and i love the idea of it. my goal is to make it happen. for now i am relieved that i have my pills stashed away secretly. at any given time i can take them all along with some over the counter sleeping pills, fall asleep and hopefully have something “tragic” happen. for now this idea is what calms my soul. no more hyperventilating. no more sobbing. no more racing heartbeat. as soon as i put the pieces together, i felt calm. my next step is to get my hands on some alcohol. i will make jello shots and eat and eat and swallow all the pills that i can and hopefully i will slip away. i am so excited.