That damn curiosity is keeping me alive

  April 9th, 2013 by glass_music_cup

I feel so at home when I’m here. This is a different place that I have ever been before. I use a journaling website, but the depression sites are usually filled with younger people who  are not actively planning or who have ineffective plans–you know, methods like, “oh, I’ll just slit my wrists” that will likely not work. There are no discussions about debating of methods, pros/cons and the preparation beforehand. I read on here with a fever and excitement that I rarely feel. I feel like I discovered the jackpot–I am rolling in gold-worthy information.

Does anyone else here want to commit suicide–but is deathly (no pun intended) afraid? I am a curious person, who loves rivers, cats, children, coffee and hugs. I want to know what will happen to the world in a few years. I want to see where my little sister goes. However, for the sake of people around me, and for the reason that I am a boring person and I feel that there is something neurobiologically wrong with me–I feel that this is the right thing to do. I have always felt that I am somehow “off” compared to others. There has always been a lingering shadow of fear, anxiety and despair. I don’t know how to socialize properly, I am not eloquent, I am not gifted, etc. I feel too intensely and not enough at the same time. I feel like I listen to words underwater.

It makes me angry when people say it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It makes me livid, actually. For me, it is not about not being thank ful for what I have.  It is not about situational issues. It is that I am to the core, broken. The brain is an orgran, just like the skin or the heart. People who get cancer aren’t told to snap their fingers and heal. Yet, there is so much stigma against severe depression. It is seen as a character flaw, a CHOICE, and a decision to wallow in pity.   I truly believe that there is something wrong with me that therapy and medication has not been able to fix.

I want to die in June but damn curiosity wants me to wait until later because I want to see if the coalition I work on received this grant I worked on. Fucking curiosity. I actually don’t want to do it, but I know I have to. It is the only way I can make things right…I have been such a failure in every facet of my life, and this is the best gift I can give to the world.

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