The Big Mystery

Sometimes I think that maybe the real issue is that possibly I don’t want to get better. How messed up is that? There has got to be some kind of reasoning behind it, but the only thing I can come up with is that I have no idea who that person will be. I’m a complete stranger to myself. Even now. I can’t figure out who I am right now. Obviously I know the general stuff, a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, but really it all ends there. I go day to day, holding merely those titles. And that’s all they are really. Titles. Anyone can be those things (or in the case of males, husband, father, etc). Not to say that everyone can do them well, elephants obvious in the daily news. But it seems like I should be more.

Then I think back to when I was young and the teachers asked what you wanted to be when you grew up. I said a zookeeper (lol) but in reality, I said that just to have an answer. And guess what? To this day, some 30 years later,I still haven’t a clue what I want to do with my life. Or what’s left of it. I can tell you that’s never saw myself getting older, not sure if that is a foreshadow or not. Currently I take care of my mom. She put an addition on to our house a couple years after my dad died. She has had some major medical issues the last two years to the point where she can’t take care of herself. Enter me. But that’s a whole different story. Back to the mystery of me….

Maybe I am afraid of who I will be if/when the depression lets go. I’ve had a handful of years that seemed to be better than the rest, but that person is long gone. I’m a professional in the art of hiding my emotions, to the point that I fooled therapists. 5, to be exact. I know, I basically wasted money, but I think it has taken me this long to figure out how the whole therapy thing works.

Wow. I’ve bounced a lot through this post. Sorry if you wasted time reading it. I guess the summary is that I don’t know who I am, and I don’t know who I can become. But mostly, I don’t know if either of those people are worth it.