I’ve been depressed for a long time, but this time, it’s different. I have finally entered that stage where I truly believe that I have it in me to commit suicide. My reasons for doing so have also shifted. My attitude towards death has shifted. I feel like a completely different person. I have come to believe that under certain circumstances, suicide is an acceptable option. To be honest, when I come on here, I try to cut to the chase. I skim over the posts about being sad, upset, etc. I look for the posts that will help me formulate more concrete plans to have a completed, successful suicide. I focus on the posts by those who have attempted, searching through the details on how not to make the same mistakes. I read with an insatiable hunger of those who have been depressed for what seems like an eternity of emptiness and pain–and sympathize with their need for a peaceful end.
It frustrates me that suicide is met with the following after it is completed:
1) It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem
- The brain is an organ, like the kidney, heart or skin. How is depression any different than a physical illness? This is chronic depression I am talking about–not fleeting moments of unhappiness, anxiety or an inability to cope with a tragedy. I am talking about neurotransmitters going haywire, neurons disconnected and unable to sing in symphony, and an inability to feel when you know you are supposed to. It is being surrounded by those who care about you, and trying to feign reciprocation because your body is just too exhausted and unable to feel human.
- Like treatment for cancer, being depressed may or may not be treated with a cocktail of medications and/or someone who tells you that it’s just your “perception” of life that has led you to wallow in self-destruction. After medication and years of people telling me to cheer up, keep myself busy by throwing myself in activities and to be “useful” by volunteering, I am still sitting here wanting to die. I exercise, I volunteer, I am perfectly aware of all the wonderful things in my life, but I feel like there is something missing inside of me because I still feel dead. It makes me angry that people think that shoving a bunch of things into your life will give you purpose. It makes me angry that people don’t understand that I hate myself no matter what. I have always just been “off”, even as a child. I feel like I see the world differently, I feel more intensely, and that I really am destined to live life with this trembling sadness.
2) Why didn’t she/he reach out?
- Is this a joke? I read about this in the aftermath of suicides, and I never understand it. Sure, just reach out! That will work in a society that tells us that you need to hang out around “positive people”, and how things are all about “choosing happiness” and having a positive attitude. That will work in a society that seeds depression as a weakness, a flaw, an Industrialized Nation issue, because “think of all the children who living in the streets!” Society tends to place blame on the individual, because it’s all about just appreciating material possessions that you have. Otherwise, you are just an ungrateful person. Â
- Sure, reach out–go up to someone and tell them that you plan to use an Exit bag in your car, combined with medications in the summer and wait for an reaction. That will go over very well. Nobody truly wants to hear that story.
3) Suicide is selfish
- The first I expressed suicidal ideation, this is what my therapist told me. She told me it was very selfish and that it hurts lots of people. That and #1. This seems to assume that true, chronic, long-term, depression is a choice. It is a choice not to get better because it is apparently fun to sit around, sleeping for 14 hours a day and visiting suicide websites during your free time.Â
- In the past few months, I have shifted my attitude on suicide and truly believe that it could be the right decision for me. I know that it will hurt family and co-workers, but I do not believe that it is a selfish action. Isn’t it selfish to drain their energy through my revolving door illness of being in and out of treatment? How is it even selfish when I don’t give anything to them? I don’t give them the proper attention, love and energy a functioning family member would. I don’t contribute myself fully at work. Yes, they’d be upset because suicide is upsetting. But it will not be MY death that is upsetting because I checked out a long time ago.
- People have more sympathy for dogs and I find this confusing. People believe in putting down animals in pain with conviction, but expect people to stick around, even if they have no purpose and are in pain.
I guess I am just frustrated. I don’t know what to do. I am not 100% committed to dying yet, but I do for the first time, truly see this as a possible outcome of my life. I could go into childhood, my battle with illnesses, etc. but at this point it is irrelevant. If I decide to die, it won’t be because of my parents, my job, my lack of relationships, etc. It won’t based on life events. It will have to be based on my inability to cognitively and physically get better. It will be based on whether or not I can glance up at the sun and truly feel its warmth and feel happy. It will be based on whether I can get better and truly care and love about those around me without it draining every ounce of energy.
Essentially, I just want to be human.
If not, I plan to try the helium method. I’d do it over the weekend either at a hotel or in my car. There are pros and cons to each. I want law enforcement to find me first, to avoid trauma to the unsuspecting. In the hotel, I’d leave a note on the door for the employee not to walk in. The disadvantage of doing it in a hotel is loss of money should I fail. It would take a bit to save up to try again. Which is why the car is another option. But then I’d have to carefully choose when I do it to avoid suspicion from hikers and runners. I’d also have to unfortunately risk someone innocent finding me. I think I’d try to pack up all my things to make it minimal work for family. I’m 13 hours away from family. Before I die, I will just casually make sure that all those who work with me, and family members know that they are good people, and that I care about them. I do love and care about people–but that as deeply as I should. I have a very detailed pre-plan before the suicide, but I don’t want to share that here. I am secretly proud that I’ve thought it out thoroughly.
It’s strange because at the moment, I do NOT want to die, but I just see it as an option, obectively that I should take. I am worried that this plan won’t work. I don’t want to end up brain damaged.
I feel like completely this will give me the voice and control to finally express the hurt I am feeling. I want to be done, and I am tired. I am just tired and bored and wish I felt more ready.
17 comments
You’re therapist sucked ass. Saying it’s a selfish act… What is so selfish about doing what the remaining 7billion people want to do with depressed people. Your was therapist is one of them.
Although, your post touched me… Don’t go yet, I really resonate with what you said. Although I’m still looking for a solution, even though I’ve been planning to die for a while. Your words penetrate right through those ‘choice’, ‘therapy’, ‘medication’ and ‘self-perspective’ fags… Right to the core. Because neither of them works for us, if it really was so easy we wouldn’t be on this site in the first place. Most of them reply ‘oh you sound like and intelligent person’ BOOYAH! More intelligent than all of you because we feel the world for what it really is, a rotting inside of gaia’s vigina. Where 4billion people live in absolute hell and poverty. How can we appriciative of life and material possesions, if everyone else contributes to the misery just by holding onto that and what is ‘socially acceptable’.
They’ll never understand… You have my compassion.
You two hit on some great points. I’m curious and frustrated about the same things. My impression is that therapists’ techniques tend to draw us in with an emphasis of curiosity demonstrated on us as individuals.
So we babble for awhile about ourselves and shortly our own soliloquy turns to how we don’t fit in somehow. It’s their cue, to remind us of our responsibility to conform. We must be reminded of what’s expected, coached on behaviors externally recognizable as norms and reoriented out of the forest back onto the (YBR) yellow brick road.
The YBR is stubbornly straightend widened flattened and re-paved one or twice through social reforms. Individuals kill themselves in growing numbers among other forms of social unrest until (TPTB) the powers that be shrug and concede that norms are not quite normal and need to be freshened-up a bit.
I think that this cycle continues until a generation comes along that sees a shortcut for the YBR or aspires to some maglev YBR that TPTB cannot or will not accept. A dichotomy between the Dreamers and TPTB widens within a few generations while the Dreams and TPTB square off. If TPTB are correct then nothing happens.
But if the Dreamers triumph then we have social reform at least. At most, we have TPTB become a “missing link,” made to disappear in a power grab by the Dreamers: the process involves genetic speciation once in awhile. More dystopic than genocide, the Dreamers will inevitably have mercy on a few of TPTB surviving “dinosaurs” on one condition: they must forget the old ways and bury the hatchet.
It’s evolution. Therapists of Dreamers will seek suicidal individuals as a holy grail in their careers; great interest will be paid to any grievance toward the new norms. A surviving minority of TPTB will be camouflaged and interbred with Dreamers for their own protection.
The best example of this that I know of is the genocide of about 100 million Native Americans in North America. In the US we rarely hear any news at all about South or Central America. We don’t even consider “those people” to be Americans. Native Americans within the US have been told at birth that they were half black or Hispanic (which is genetically Native American) to protect them.
Anyway thank you both for this post I am truly grateful. It reminds me that the more things change the more they stay the same.
Whoops I forgot to mention one last thing: I’m Native American. I was taken into foster care and I looked half black when I was an infant. So that’s what everyone was told including myself.
The truth didn’t become obvious until I grew older, my features matured and I discovered that others didn’t have the (native american adaptation) hunter’s response like I did. I apologize if my comments seemed racist. Yet I admit that that’s the way they look.
Wondering how many levels one has to ‘complete’ to reach suicide. Man, probably we are at the same level now. Not that we compete for achieving something though.
Native americans and other (mostly south american) individuals. Have had or have found the heart, to live in perfect harmony with nature. And look at everything, absolutely everything nature provides for them. And they are often much happier and healthier than the western individual. Though most of them are born inside a more primal enviroment, I admire their ability to live like this.
But what I also admire is their thousands of years old spiritual and medicinal traditions, often 98% effective. Otherwise they’d be all extinct, especially in the jungle, where depression will get you killed.
South america has been known for their Psychedelic Brews, accompanied with shamans and priest. They will give an individual a renewing ride of self-discovery, self-confrontation and healing. Even the american army uses MDMA for their soldiers suffering of PTSD and sucidal depression, which was almost an instant succes. Whereas regular treatment fails most of the time. Although the american army also uses MDMA for darker purposes, as it can be used to easily hypnotize people and turn them into killing machines.
Eitherway, I bet it all sounds taboo. But the only reason I am still alive is because with a milder psychedelic I managed to convince myself to atleast wait…
The only reason why it works, because there’s no way around the effect. People often diminish the psychedelic plant to a mere drug with negative effects, whereas if used properly and under supervision and help of a psychedelic therapist, you always will have the best results. And the best part of it, it’s entirely up to you, how you will continue to live on. But the way you will feel will almost certainly be different.
@SeaDragon, that’s funny that you brought up the “you sound like an intelligent person” comment. My previous (I no longer trust his expertise) therapist told me that my intelligence and philosophical thinking got in the way of getting better. You are right in that being told that it is a
matter of simply perception is hurtful.
Solutions to use a gratitude journal and to throw myself into a million activities at once to distract myself are what is commonly suggested. I get it. I am fully aware that I am not living under a bridge with rats starting fights with me, and I am grateful for that. I also don’t see the point of distracting myself from myself when the very core of my depression is my self-hatred. So basically, I am supposed to avoid being with my own thoughts instead of addressing them.
I have so much to comment on this…everyone has such great thoughts. But unfortunately, I am going to give into my shameful, habitual, addictive habit of binging in the dining hall in a sea full students before brunch closes. No, I am not even a student at this university.
I could have all the money in the world, read to blind children everyday, be a virtuoso on every instrument, but is the point if all my free time is spent on suicide sites and binging and purging.
Anyway, I will comment later tonight, but wanted all you to know that I did read and respect your thoughtful comments.
I agree with SeaDragon: whatever (NA) Native Americans were doing seems to have been more sustainable. Archaeologists seem to think NA’s followed herds of food across the Bering straight while it was frozen, in 2 waves of hunter-gatherers 8 and 19 thousand years ago. Some NA civilizations (Mayan, Aztec, Rapa Nui) did become unsustainable and did get wiped out.
Today we burn and build things with fossil fuels. Take away our fossil fuels, and there’s very very little (nothing) to build with: no fertilizers, no electricity, no pharmacuticals, telecom, computers, running-water, sewage, electric-light, mechanized transportation.. Almost nothing resembling what we see around us. Wood would be the primary fuel buildings would be more basic and beasts of burden would pull our vehicles. The written word would stay intact, at which point we’d live like the Amish people.
Standard-run World3 simulation results predict avg life expectancy to be 25 years by 2100. Literacy would probably be quite rare if 25 years is the avg life span for people. If folks lose the written word and fall back to oral tradition, then civilization would probably lose agriculture (monoculture) as we know it today.. Would the Amish-like people then gradually become nomadic hunter-gather folks again, mostly resembling NA’s?
Glass_music_cup: You managed to put in words the exact feelings and thoughts I had. It’s like you where in my head/heart in wrote it down! I have to tell you that you write extremely well. Not sure what you do as a living but hope it has to do with writing !
I am not 100% committed either but I have come to terms that dying would be the most unselfish act I could do for my family. I make them suffer everyday…nothing I can do is right. I suffer from major depression for the past 2 years…therapy and meds don’t work. I’ve had moments of feeling better only to crash after. This is making my family suffer and me feeling worst. They deserve better…a better life…they need a clean slate from me. The only way to free them is through my death. This is not selfish but an act of courage a sacrifice and love for them. They will hurt and be sad when I go but they will so much happier once their grief has passed.
My only thing holding me back is I don’t want a failed attempt and don’t want a gruesome scene for them. That image would hinder my act of love.
What is the helium method ?
This is the first time I truely feel sad about someone wanting to kill himself on here.
Please promise me to have tried psychedelic treatment before you go… I promise it will be effective. And the best thing about it… You will be able to communicate directly to the core of your existence, garantueed, even if you choose not to, after injestion there’s no way back though.
I’m sorry it took a bit longer to reply. I’m pretty tired now so my responses will be short. Please don’t take offense in this. I’m just tired.
@SeaDragon, I wouldn’t even know where to begin looking for something like that. I don’t really hang out with anyone, and I’ve been into that scene where it is possible to even have the option. My days consist of just work, spending time alone and sleep. I don’t really have a social circle and honestly have no motivation or desire to seek something potentially mind-altering. I’m already pretty scared with my state of mind at the moment, and I’m afraid of something going awry.
@AbstractThought, I’m not sure it’s so much it is only about what level you are on. I think personality, impulsivity, co-morbid illnesses and the means all play a factor. For example, someone with an impulsive personality with the means to die could commit suicide within 8 hours of distress (this was the case of a college student who had been secretly videotaped in a homosexual act).
I know that for me, this place I am now is very, very different. I know, however, that should I die, it will not be an impulsive act. I have a very clear plan and hope to follow it. Unfortunately or fortunately, that plan is a lot of work and I am just exhausted and unmotivated these days.
Me neither… Try looking on google for psychedelic treatmrnt though. It is often proffesionalized. Or safe up for a ticket to brazil, there are enough who offer free ayahuasca treatment for people like us. Ayahuasca is extremely self-empowering and in some cases leads to ego-death.
You are right about the state of mind, and things going awry. But that’s what the shaman is for.
I agree with everything you say. It seems that like a terminal illness, sometimes life hands you too much and everything begins to shut down. I was in a bad marriage and did everything I could to make it work, but finally gave up and left. The same with my life, i did the best I could, but it just didn’t work, caused too much pain (like my marriage) so I decided to leave.