I’m afraid to lay my head down to sleep these days, because I’m not sure who I’ll be when I wake up. No one seems to understand my OCD, they can’t see that its eating me alive. It controls my thoughts and actions; so what is left? I’m loosing track of what is me and what is this disorder. I need help, but I’m afraid to ask. The thought of the normal treatment, antidepressants, scares me. I’m afraid to admit that I’m just another one of those kids that has been labeled with “gifted” intelligence, but fails to function as a normal human being. And what will I be if they shove medication down my throat? I’ve forgotten, or perhaps never known, what its like to have complete control over my actions and thoughts. I’m drowning in a pit of obsessions and compulsions, with the occasional day that I get to float above that and feel almost normal for half the time. Its like that today, its been at its worst for a while but to day it finally fell back to being in the back of my mind all day. Better than having it in the forefront of my mind all day. But who knows what tomorrow holds? I could very well be sucked back under completely. That’s why I’m afraid to sleep tonight, because when I wake I don’t know who I’ll be….
Me?
OCD?
Or is there no difference anymore?
2 comments
I know it’s really tough to get help. I am in the same boat with depression and cutting. But what’s worse to you…living with it on your own or reaching out? I know it’s going to be really hard at first, to admit you’re struggling and to feel embarrassed. But you know, everyone is messed up. Every single person. The strong ones are the ones that are willing to get help. Please, try. I know, though, easier said than done. It took me a long time to get to the place that I could reach out.
You should try going outside. Repetition does little more than perpetuate such a situation.