Yep. Sometimes there are just too many things to say, and it won’t make sense unless you say them all, including explaining the context of each… and it quickly becomes a massive undertaking, and drains every bit of energy you have, and then it feels like you just can’t even say it all… and so the thing you want to do, to get it out, to explain, to have someone understand… it just seems so impossibly far away.

I think what you mean by “i don’t want to cope,” is really that you want to exist in a way that doesn’t require much coping. It’s not that you don’t want to be able to deal with things, but that you want the absolute minimum amount of difficult things to deal with, because coping is exhausting, and can be argued that “getting through it” only habituates more things that require getting through.

There are too many things that require coping. We should not be stuck with lives where so much of our time and energy are “stolen” through simply “getting through” things that we don’t choose to create.

If there is any way, you should spend your energy reducing your coping requirements, to bring those requirements to a manageable, sustainable level, even if that means cutting people out of your life.

As for the whole “not having words” thing… it takes practice. Just try, try to focus on one thing at a time, and don’t share anything you don’t feel is accurately or adequately expressed. The ability to effectively communicate is an important thing to develop, and improving that ability will likely teach you or clarify things about yourself, and the world, and will almost certainly strengthen your ability to cope. Write to yourself, until you feel you are able to properly articulate exactly what you are trying to say.