A letter to a ‘friend’ of mine…

I’m gonna talk to you by your nickname, Salmon. Remember when i gave you that nickname, Salmon?  You and your younger brother have the same name so i each gave you a nickname. You, Salmon, because of your salmon pink colored braces. Your brother, Termite Bro, because he’s short, he’s like the lil brother i wish i had, and when we first met, we didnt get along and he would call me cockroach… yea weird… though others call him Teki, you both know i like to make up my own nicknames.

Anyways i wanna write to both of you. You 2 may never read this but its ok with me. I need to let it out somehow, right?

Salmon and Teki, you two are my brothers from other mothers! I love you guys but sometimes it hurts.

Salmon, you are my best friend even if you are like 3 or 4 years older than me, we get along well, dont we? Remember that day where we bumped into eachother at the movies? When i just came out of ‘Warm Bodies’ and you were gonna watch it? well i do if ya dont. 1/February/2013. it was around nighttime. You were with Termite and some other friends of yours. That day, I had one of the biggest fights with my mom… well anyways it made me remember some old pain and i was just holding my tears. I saw you guys outside and we hugged and talked and for just a few minutes, i smiled. Even when just before that all i wanted to do was cry. You 2 helped me because i was planning that day, that night… to die. Yup, suicide. Shock, right?

Salmon, remember Valentine’s Day 2013? It was casual day at school. I came dressed with a cookie monster shirt and hat with some nerdy glasses that had a fake mustache. I was handing out cookies to people around school. When i came to give you one at lunch, you made fun of me and called me fat, i knew i was fat and you just had to remind me at a moment where i felt happy. HONESTLY happy, not a fake smile. Then Watson (Other friend i nicknamed, Salmon, you know who it is) started to say fat jokes bout me and Hammy (other friend i nicknamed n u make fun of). You remember what i did? I acted that it was funny and smiled along while giggling a bit here and there when in reality all i wanted to do was run away and cry! NEVER call a girl fat, because she will NEVER forget it! You can call me all you want, im used to it by now, though it doesnt mean it hurts any less, atleast you take your jokes on me and not some other girl that doesnt deserve it.

Anyways, Teki… You are seriously my brother! I wish you really were because youre the best! Even knowing when im sad and down, if i tell you i dont wanna talk about it, you leave it and start making jokes to try and cheer me up. You are an awesome person to be around with, even if sometimes you can be clingy, i dont care because usually those times are when i desperately nee a hug. you dont know how much i thank you.

Wanna know something? Before i met all of you… i was depressed. I wouldnt smile. Then i shut off all my other feelings and painted a smile on this ugly face. Then now i met B (you know who she is), She helped me regain my feelings, but i regret getting them back. Now it hurts more. Im too emotional n such a crybaby. I cry myself to sleep sometimes remembering those days! Then i end up beating myself up physically because of crying… Know why i ask for hugs? Because i love hugs, i feel warmth when most times i feel so cold and lonely… So tell me, are you regretting your words? Are you right now, feeling regret?

DON’T. I HATE THAT.

Now smile ok? it hurts right? Tiring right? Hiding everything behind that stupid smile? It makes you just wanna scream and cry and yell and just through punches and kicks at something, right? Even if you never read this, i feel better now…

Love,

Your best lying, fake smiling, tear holding, fucked up, and broken friend. 🙂