Hey Everyone! It’s been a while since I last posted on here, so I thought that I would update you guys on how my love life is progressing. Those of you who know me, will remember that I recently met the love of my life on a dating site. We have seen each other a few times and we’ve even talked about marriage. We click perfectly and I really enjoy her company.
My only worry is that she has no interest in having sex or doing anything sexual, until we are married. This makes me wonder. What if she is asexual and still refuses to have sex with me even after we get married? What makes things even harder is that we are both virgins, so neither of us have ever done the deed. I really believe that we are soulmates, but I couldn’t stay in a sex-less marriage.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Dave
16 comments
Why are you even thinking about marriage with someone you have “seen a few times”. Recipe for disaster to let yourself get so convinced that you’ve met your soul mate already. As you’ve just described, you don’t even know if you have the same interests in mind as far as what type of sex life you each would want this relationship to include. Shouldn’t you wait to confirm someone as your soul mate until you find someone who agrees with you on all levels? As you said, what if she has a very low interest in sex? You won’t want to stay in a sexless marriage. So how could that be your soul mate? You need to slow waaaaay down, you are running straight ahead in the dark without knowing if there’s a cliff two feet in front of you. You’ll end up back on this website upset and suicidal when it turns out your “soul mate” didn’t work out, if you don’t take your time now and go slow with this and don’t throw around words like “soul mate” and “marriage” with someone you hardly know. Slow down or you will regret it.
Would you buy a car without test driving it first?
This concept of ‘no sex until marriage’ is an anachronistic hold over steeped in religious dogma. (So is marriage IMHO, but that’s a different topic). By the way, getting married doesn’t necessarily improve your sex life either. Even if you two hit it off, monogamy is like agreeing to eat the exact same dish for the rest of your life. No more sushi, no steak, no chicken, no pizza – just spaghetti every single night for the rest of your life. If variety is the spice of life you can expect a whole lot of blandness in your future. Sorry for being a downer, just being honest. Good Luck.
A broken heart will teach you more about life, about yourself, and about other people, than you might be prepared to learn. I wouldn’t want to advocate rushing into a sub-optimal marriage, to someone who is already “unstable” enough to be posting on a suicide site/blog/community.
It’s okay to care about someone who isn’t willing or able to be what, or as much of what, you wish. Don’t shun her for her fear, but don’t expect to have a healthy relationship with someone whose sexual interests are drastically different than, or misaligned with, yours.
@Cosmic Blip: A wife isn’t a car. A woman isn’t a machine, unless you think organisms are mechanical in nature, in which case… well, I don’t like to think of people as mechanical devices.
@OP: “Hey, what are your thoughts on sex?” — that sentence should help resolve your problem one way or the other. 🙂
@ orangish; Comparing a car to a woman was an analogy. The point was ~ know what you’re signing on for before you commit~. Buyer beware.
I understand the analogy, I just don’t think it fits in the situation. After all, the car doesn’t test-drive you except in soviet Russia.
If you’re going to commit to a long term relationship that has the potential to end with catastrophic results, it could happen with a house, a wife, or a car. You want to know what it is you’re getting into before you sign on the dotted line. This rings true whether it’s a car or a woman. If it’s got tits or tires it’s gonna cost you money. Invest wisely.
Fuck, you’re perfectly illustrating why I want to see western society razed to nuclear ashes. Thanks, Cosmic Blip.
You’re welcome. If I could wave a magic wand and help alleviate the chronic anger that seems to consume you I would. Good luck with that.
It’s not chronic anger, it’s called ADHD. 🙂
But people are just so fucking stupid these days. It hurts my head.
I’m actually amazingly calm when I say things like that. I think people assume it’s anger when really I’m just trying to piss them off out of boredom and a lack of interest in pursuing a line of reasoning that the other person seems completely unable to understand.
I see. So what you’re trying to say is that anybody with an opposing point of view is stupid? The multitudes of people who don’t agree with you are so fucking stupid it hurts your head. Sure, ok.
It’s actually a lot like having an argument with a crackhead. The crackhead will say and do absolutely absurd bullshit and eventually you catch on to the fact that crackheads are irrational and moronic. So arguing with them is a complete waste of time.
Point taken orangish. We can’t see facial expressions or read tonal inflection in written text. I do respect your opinions; if it comes across as pissed off sometimes then maybe I simply misinterpreted your intended tone.
You should see me off my meds. 😛
My point was that sex itself is so over-valued in western society that it’s lost any meaning it may have once had. It still feels good, but it’s absurd and has no functional purpose aside from generating a flood of dopamine that’s easier acquired by taking psychedelic drugs. So of course marriage is a lot like test-driving a car. You put the car in the garage when you’re not using it and live your life normally, then take the car out when you want to get an adrenaline rush pushing 160mph on the interstate. Makes perfect sense.
And the messed up part? I find myself actually agreeing with Christians on this topic. If any gods exist, they’re laughing about that, most likely.
To say that “sex is overvalued” is actually undervaluing and nearly dismissing it.
Some are overly concerned with it, while others experience extreme personal detriment through being overly deprived of it.
Perhaps the problem is more the bastardization of our lexicon, to the point where everyone is now apparently allowed to just arbitrarily define words in unorthodox and non-standard ways, creating a scenario where no one can really be sure what anyone else actually means.
You say “sex,” but perhaps you only mean the physical aspect of copulation. Perhaps you mean a certain type of sex. Perhaps you are only aware of certain aspects of sexuality, and therefore do not mean the same thing as someone who may be interpreting your advice.
I think it’s paradoxical, and seems that people tend to opportunistically alter their definitions and values of all things, as required, in attempt to manipulate what others think. I have seen this countless times with the idea of sex. Some people act like “oh, it’s just sex, why make a big deal out of it?” But as soon as their SO “cheats” on them, suddenly it’s a very big deal. As soon as you cross an arbitrary line of deviance from orthodox and social norms, everyone freaks out. Except for the people who understand both A) yes it’s a big deal, but isn’t everything, and B) it is rather complex, and isn’t just “the deed,” but is every sensation and extended impact associated with it.
Some people don’t even distinguish between “sex” and “making love,” and think that “love-making” is simply an overly emotional/poetic, often unappealing, way of saying exactly the same thing. But of course there’s a difference! And that’s exactly my point.
Some people act like they don’t value it at all, probably because they have easy access and take it for granted. Others overvalue it due to its rarity or perhaps their own personal beliefs/constructs.
However, i also do realize that sex is often “used” as a sort of tool, a marketing strategy, a manipulation tactic… a “weapon,” with which to control others. It’s effective. It’s desirable. It’s valuable. I don’t think “western society” is “overvaluing” it, but that there are particular circumstances where sex is abused for gains, and other circumstances where it seems to take far too much effort for certain people to attain.
It’s either over or undervalued, as each situation demands, to be used for the wrong purpose, to convince someone else of the perspective of another.
Some people don’t even enjoy sex. Some people are physically unable. Some are socially unable.
It’s a complex topic that apparently needs to be thoroughly re-evaluated by almost everyone, and adjustments not based on false-beliefs, unrealistic expectations, and irrational mindsets, need to be made.