I guess I can say over the years i’ve never been the lucky one. Starting from my mother. She would always say I was worthless and countless beatings for uttering one word while she was yelling at me. Always saying how I was never born from her but found me right beside a dumpster. It hurts nothing my other 4 siblings never stopped to give me a shoulder to cry one, in fear they would be getting in the line of fire. I overdosed many times but someone always found ways to bring me back. Every night I would pray to god to give me a sign that this is only temporary, no matter how small I will get a break. I always got beat for coming home late because I was in charge of making the daily meals for the rest of the family. I finished class at 3 and had to be home before 3:30.
Over my highschool years I found friends I could really rely on but lost touch after finishing school. It was hard when I worked 3 jobs in highschool to pay for half the rent. Now in college and after a heavy fight and having the courage to take out my feeling I moved out. With my best friend who has been beside me through thick and thin.
I got my heart broken numerous times when I fell in love and was cheated on constantly. It was not just one man but two who decided I wasn’t good enough, so my trust in men is broken. Leaving me to think and question everyone else. I thought I was getting better but sometimes randomly I would remember everything that has happened and break down. I always question whether or not I am being used and if I am the rebound again. Sometimes i would accidentally find a picture of his past gfs while I am looking for my pictures I uploaded onto his laptop. It hurts so much because I cannot fully trust him.
I still get bullied from my parents and nothing seems to get better for me. I have depression but I don’t want to turn to pills to be happy. I want someone that is worthwhile and can get through this with me. After my car accident I gained weight because of my body not being able to get back into the old routines. I hear rumors saying how I really let myself go and I know I did. I am one step closer to just not eating anymore. I am not allowed to exercise so losing weight is ten times harder for me. I am still deciding whether or not it’s even worth living anymore. I need help but no one is actually helping me get through these suicidal thoughts and depression.
3 comments
Wow, reading your story is sort of like reading my life (minus the relationship stuff). I also got beat up constantly as a kid, for no reason other than my mother was in a bad mood. She also told me she found me in a dumpster. Yeah, funny enough, my other siblings never got told that though. Just me. I’ve never done anything bad to deserve being punished, and was suicidal at the age of 7, when things were really unbearable.
Funny enough, I had to make dinners for everyone too- at the age of 12. Then I got smacked because my food tasted bad. Well, yeah, I was 12 and no one ever taught me how to cook, so what the heck did they expect?
And I’ve also been hit by a car (4 years ago) and life has been hell since. So many health problems. Perhaps we share a common soul. I don’t know why some people had to suffer like we did, why it had to happen to us.
I wish I could offer you some uplifting words and stuff, but I don’t believe in any of all that “oh, don’t worry, things’ll get better; everything will be fine…” blah blah. Nothing in my life has changed. Only constant struggle.
All I can say is- I hear you and out of everyone, I really do understand you, because I’ve also lived that life.
*hugs*
Thank you so much for your comment. Having someone who actually understands what it feels like and what you went through is terrible. You are right. nothing has changed and we try and reach out to others in hope there is something that would help get you through another day.
I am glad I got the courage to post something tonight. You made my day ahead brighter.
*hugs*
I think people who are put down to feel they are worthless, are always more worth full than the ones putting them down.