Today was….a day. I wish I could stop feeling so guilty about things. I wish I wouldn’t stress so much. I wish I could let comments roll off of my back. The thing I can do, and do, to relieve the pressure, to get a high, to stop the thoughts, to be totally engrossed in something other than my thoughts, is cut.
In the past I used my whole left arm. About 30 random scars prove that. But now, I have to hide it more, which means I just keep cutting in the same two spots. I can’t imagine what they will look like if they ever heal. But the downside (or good???) Of cutting in those spots is having to keep going deeper and deeper. Today was…..Well, it just was.
Today’s cut exposed the yellow fat. For a brief moment, very brief, I thought I went to far. But then I thought I should just keep going. I should just end all of this bullshit called life. So many issues would be resolved, and I so want that. Of course I also want to be content, and that just doesn’t seem possible, so why should I get anything else I want?
Life is exhausting. I wish someone would tell me why it’s worth it.