I have nothing clever or profound to write. I’m just sad tonight and lonely and was crying- just pathetic. but it’s the truth. I’m feeling so alone and messed up this week. I was better last week, some stuff happened, nothing major, but it’s completely derailed me. Does that happen to anyone else? It’s so soul destroying. I have to get up off the floor once again.
At least crying made me feel some relief, some pain went away and I can feel a little,. But I was afraid if my brother wasn’t here I was going to run into the woods with the kitchen knife.
So here I am on suicide project. It’s n my only friend right now.
16 comments
I’ll be your SP friend :p.
Yeah, its not uncommon to have a good week, think everything is going to be okay, only to feel like shit again.
I usually go through that every couple of hours. Heh.
Absolutely, it is soul crushing. But it doesn’t have to be that way forever.
Tell me, what kind of things do you do to cope, other than SP?
Thanks so very much ataraxia. I know it sounds funny but I like to cook, make really nice food with healthy ingredients, like I think I will heal myself maybe. I like to walk in a woods nearby, look at little things growing in the earth, all struggling to live, find their bit of sunshine, I used to paint an d write poetry but I’ve felt too useless to try lately. I was learning the guitar but also haven’t picked it up in weeks. I don’t really have friends that I could talk to honestly. I’ve watched a few films lately that were okay, Swedish films, which for some reason made me feel better. I think they were so much ,ore subtle than other stuff and I like that. Thinking about pets I’ve had, the little times I’ve been happy, tho that really just makes me sad. 🙂
Sometimes I’ve called the Samaritans and they are always kind, but what can they do? They are very sweet when I call but I don’t know how much it really helps me.
I get ‘derailed’ by the smallest of things, got rejected by a band last week and it made me lose hope and hit rock bottom again for a few days. It is soul destroying you’re right but I pretty much know now that in time it will pass. Also, I stay away from sharp knives simply because every time i hold one I see movies of me stabbing myself, Fuck that!
I email the samaritans too, tend to when I sink to the lowest. They can be helpful for a while but then you get a bit tired of answering the same questions! Useful service though.
Thanks painman, sorry bout the band. Sucks. But you are right, this stuff does mostly pass. I’m just in a rough week. It was just a series of stupid things, and I was trying to get past one when something else happened. I think I need to somehow not let people into my head so much, get so affected by stupid comments. Learn to not open the door to it. Because I’ve been down, I’m vulnerable. I want to tell people around me, if you see me looking st all happy, please just leave me alone. I’m like one of those old watches with all the little parts, gears and everything and it is all delicate, and if you stick your big finger in there- bang, it’s all a mess and winds down completely.
I don’t want movies of me stabbing myself either! I’m staying in the bedroom tonight! Just me and SP!
lol no probs I am exactly the same! I only really go on a few websites but this one mainly at the moment, one of the other sites .. pof .. I go on, pointlessly send a message and then don’t go on it for a while cos any negative reply or no reply sometimes gets me a bit down and I just don’t want to feel that feeling! anyway, its 6.22 am where I am and I havent been bed yet, so .. night night sp!
Hun, If you want the rainbow, then you’ve gotta put up with the rain.
Butterfly i hope you are okay. I’ve been commenting trying to reach you, i made a post too but I kept missing you by a few minutes that or you are mad at me. Please be safe and okay. On a side note the floor is so nice, cool, and comfty. Haha but thats just me
@pasceltrees yes, that’s true but it has been raining 40 days and 40 nights. Where’s the rainbow already! 🙂
@attheend. Thanks for caring – it helps me a lot. Of course I’m not mad silly billy! I hope you are okay.. Where have you contacted me tho, on a post? I haven’t been on lately and been stupidly preoccupied with family crap.
And the floor is pretty comfy here but I shouldn’t really spend the whole day there. 🙂
On many posts you’ve commebted but i always showed up late. I made a post titled @butterfly_free but i guess you never saw it 🙁 urgh I’ve been worried thinking you hated me…..I didn’t know what to think after the post you made defending me was suddenly deleted….
Oh and i love the floor. I miss how my house back home had 80% of the house tiled so it was always cool~
Oh, I deleted it because I thought when you said you could fight your own fight that maybe you thought it was – well that maybe I just shouldn’t have brought n it up on this site again, you know it wasn’t really my business. Nothing else! Like my saying …please take these posts down, was giving them even more attention!
You put a post for me? I love that! I will look for it now. Think ill stay on here more now anyway. =)
I love tile too. Or cool rocks that you can sit on by a river on a warm day.
@butterfly doing things that make you happy and bring you peace do heal in a way.
Sometimes the little shit gets to me too. Then I feel dumb for letting it bother me to begin with..which in turns makes me vulnerable to the little shit.
It’s a silly cycle.
But that too shall pass.