I Am Lost pt2

just a few seconds ago i wrote that i dont know why i want to kill myself, well, i may have figured out a few things that may be making me feel so fucked up right now but im not going to go into conclusion just yet.

1) i hate myself

i think i should be much much thinner than i am right now. and it has nothing to do with me being fat…or a man. i dont care if a man doesnt finds me attractive as i am now, ive already learned to accept that. but i think if i was skinnier and bonier i would feel better about myself a tiny bit. but i cant seem to shed the stankin pounds. i also think i dont deserve to eat. im such a horrible person being suicidal and depressed and putting my family thru this crap, why should i be rewarded with that? eating is a privilege and im no where near deserving of it. so hey, that plan works out just fine cuz i want to be skinny anyway.

compliments are lies, the mirror is a trader, and God’s image of beauty is waaay different from a person’s, especially a mans’. i know im not beautiful and i never will be, but it still makes me feel a bit pained. it used to make me cry every night whenever i looked in the mirror but now i’ve grown to just live with it. im ugly.ok. plastic surgery and make up may be too risky in a world full of imperfect people, but when it comes to me, i can be such a clumsy idiotic *****. and i despise myself for that.

and after learning that introverts and extroverts are actually born that way, well, why me. I’m an introvert. im not out there, im shy, my conversations are nerdy and weird because i like to talk about unexplained, conspiracy, historical, naturalistic stuff. i read and write instead of going out to the next party, i sing at bars or in my room instead of hanging out in a club, i have two friends. im a quiet nerdy person and i just wish that i could be more social, have more friends, go out more, and just be more outgoing. but according to my DNA i am who i am. and no matter what advice i get to change my introverted personality, i cant be changed. thats not as easy to accept as is with me being hideous.

and last thing is that i have many mental issues that i wish i didnt have that helps build my introverted personalities and insecurities. i actually feel like people are staring at how ugly i am sometime when im out, its crazy. the medicine helps with that right now tho but before it was painful to just go outside for a walk in the neighborhood. i constantly and sometimes unconsciously pick my skin. i have disgusting and horrible scars all over my body. i truly cannot stop picking myself because the shit just keeps getting infected sometimes. i even use different objects to create either a bigger scar or a non-existent one for no apparent reason. i could be doing anything i could be anywhere and it still happens, even in my sleep. its really bad and i hate that i have this stupid disorder. my psychiatrist is trying to keep this under control right now. im back to the guinea pig phase with this one. i read and remember things backwards for some reason, i see and hear things that arent there sometimes (maybe spirits i assume), and overall, i guess maybe i am crazy….

im not looking for perfection, but i do wish i didnt have this stupid brain of mine that functions like a complete insane, insecure weirdo sometimes. i just want to be regular like everybody else my age. i seem to never fit in.

2) im lonely and I think Dzhokhar is innocent

im 21 years old and im a virgin that has never been on a date and had a boyfriend. ive had crushes and maybe unrequited love but ive never ever been with a guy. i dont even have guy friends unless theyre gay, and i feel like im not meant to be with anybody. every time i do like someone its always where i will probably never get to know them or they dont want to get to know me. even as friends. i feel like every guy that sees me for the first time thinks im some kind of walking disease that’ll make their dicks fall off or something. they reject me every single time. ive never even experience a real true heart break for goodness sakes. at least i wouldve known what it would be like to really like somebody and they liked me for a minute too. but no, i get rejected before they even want to give it a try. and then im the bad guy because im apparently being too picky and i dont give anybody a chance.

im not picky at all, all i ask for is to have alot in common and be different opposites at the same time, i dont care what color you are, i dont care if you’re ugly to other females, if we can relate and be opposites, i’ll probably fall in love. i mean thats all it takes for me. i would like to have someone that likes to read too but also likes to party too. i would like if we both love nature but he likes to smoke weed and i don’t. you know, someone like that. someone i can relate too but also be the opposite of me. but unfortunately i havent met anyone extraordinary like that and i dont think i ever will. no one likes me anyway, they wont give me a chance like i try with them. i’ll just be a lonely virgin forever. i guess i will never have that little boy that i thought i was supposed to have. what kind of life will that be? my uterus will dry up, my ovaries will shrivel up and die and my heart will forever stay lonely.

and yes i think the boston bombing suspect is innocent. i believe it was all a setup, wont go into further detail into that, but he was framed. he had to be. and no i dont think he’s innocent just because he’s cute, he’s not really that cute really, so i dont know why all these females want to post their two cent about how hot and sexy he is like anybody cares anyway. the point is i believe he’s not really a bad guy after all, and i do pray for him, i hope he’s ok and i pray for him. he doesnt really know jus how special he really is with all these people all up on his jock like this (the media, the females, the government) damn that boy is fucked up big time but i pray for him. i dont even know this guy, but i care about him.

so maybe despising myself and knowing im going to die extremely lonely makes me want to kill myself, but i think thats just the half of it. my feelings are very complicating so its hard to tell because sometimes i really dont have a reason to feel suicidal. i may be just that used to it….