I asked in a previous post, “And now what?”, and I suppose I’ve decided a next step. Â Despite the many people urging me to make another attempt I’ve decided to try something I’ve never done and that is to speak with a therapist.
It will be the first time in my life I’ve spoken to a mental health / behavioral health specialist and I’m absolutely terrified. Â I made a call today and received several names as reference and have telephoned each to speak with them though, I have no idea how to select the “right” one. Â Hell, I don’t even know what to expect. Â Will I be asked to lie upon a sofa while he/she sits there tapping their chin with a sharp Number-2 pencil as I spew forth every secret detail of my life? Â And what exactly are they writing? A grocery list? Â Notes on evidence for my committal to an institution? Â Proper “meds” to prescribe to get me to shut up? Â Are they preparing for a new article on their blog, “My Next Great Mentally Insane Patient … and my new Mercedes”?
I have yet to have any of my calls returned but of course I didn’t phone until this afternoon so I suspect I should hear something tomorrow. Â The thought of doing this brings me to a level of anxiety I have never known. Â I am shaking, perspiring, my breathing is heavy, thoughts are racing and I’m sitting here rocking back and forth as I write this. Â I’m extremely thirsty yet every time I drink a bit of water it does not stay down.
I joined an on-line chat session with the national “Lifeline” and basically, it was a joke: “I’m glad you’ve taken this step – now you will see your previous attempts were mistakes and that you simply needed a rescue…” Â (end chat) RESCUE! Â There’s that word again. Â As long as I can remember my “rescue” would be in the form of an exit to this existence and that any form of interference to my plans would be the total opposite of “rescue”. Â I don’t need all the mumbo-jumbo, I just need to try this as I’ve never reached out to such a professional. Â Then if it does not work for me … then and only then will I be confident in knowing that I’ve exhausted all options.
How did you choose your “shrink” and what is it like, this therapy? Â How did you feel during your first session?