Tick Tock

Time gets closer everyday to the point where I will be out of money.  Today was the last day to appeal my unemployment denial, which my boss refused stating I quit to go to school, which is a lie.  I didn’t appeal.  I cannot stand the idea of talking to her.  I keep having nightmares, I keep having trouble sleeping, then when I do, I just feel tired anyway.  I’ve lied on my resume, to get rid of the blackballing boss bully that has been telling lies about me, but at the same time, it gets rid of about five years of management experience that is crucial to getting a decent job in my field.

I don’t want to lose everything I have.  In storage, I have all my valuables, but soon I won’t be able to pay the storage fee.  In a couple of months, I will be evicted.  I’m very scared, which is stupid.  I’ve been through worse, why does this one situation, this one bad boss, cost me all my sentimental things?  I have a guitar in there, a set of swords, a set of WWII replica knives and daggers, all gifts, and all exceedingly valuable not monetarily, but to my heart.

I can get new things, I suppose, but stuff like my diploma plaque and cap and tassel from graduation are in there.  I don’t have money to go out of state to get them.  It’s an awful feeling, losing the things you love.  Even if they are things, just things, they remind me of my family, who live three thousand miles away.

This of course, doesn’t include being unable to buy the medicine I need to control my bleeding issues, which most likely will kill me anyway.  My boyfriend of eight years referred to me the other day as a very cheap whore because he’s given me food a few times when I had none, before I was able to get assistance.  So, my boyfriend sees me as a whore….on top of all the anxiety, I don’t need this.  He also really hurt me by not using a logo I drew for him, after he had said he liked the design.  His exact words, “I’m going to get a professional to do my logo so I can get the screens printed.”  He’s had the thing a year, and I assumed he was using it, so it was like a slap in the face, not to mention an insult to my art, because all of a sudden, I’m not a ‘professional’.  Drawing is one of the few things I enjoy, and now it’s pointless.

All of the jobs I apply constantly tell me how great my resume’ is, how I’d be an asset to the company but I’m overqualified.  I don’t care if I’m polishing toilets, I would smile, and do the job with as much heart as if I were a CEO of a major Fortune 500 company.  It’s just about getting an opportunity, a chance to live, to be, to have, even just a little.  I don’t want what little I have to be gone soon.  I worked so hard for what I have.

There’s always the woods, I suppose.  I am a Cherokee Native American, and have lived off the land survival camping before.  I’ve lived seven months without power so far, just because the bully cut my hours and I had hardly any paychecks.  I couldn’t afford the bill.  I know how to snare, can build shelter, hunt with a bow that I’ve made from the woods, and I know a lot of the plants around that are edible, and how to make acorn flour.  I suppose it may come to that, and I’d most likely be happier there.  There is a peace in nature that most people have forgotten.  So maybe, by losing all I have, I can go back to the way it should be.

An acquaintance of mine called me a hippy the other day, because I invited him over and cooked for him on a makeshift grill.  He loved the dinner, roast potatoes with garlic and parsley and pork chops.  I’m no hippy.  This particular man does nothing but complain all day long about how he’s suffered this, suffered that, and his health, and whine whine whine…..it grates on my nerves.

This man is disabled, gets a government check, has an income based apartment with water and gas included.  The only bills he has are electricity and rent, which is minimal.  His furniture was provided by a program to help divorcees get back on their feet.  He has a daughter who loves him and dotes on him, who is also beginning college in the fall and has scholarships.  I’ve gone to church with him a few times, but it is difficult.  He is super judgmental, even insults things that I support without realizing it, such as calling gays and lesbians abominations.  They are not, abominations.  They are people.  Everyone has loves, and everyone must live, but if we all lived to love, what a wonderful world that would be.

I limit my time with him because of his negative comments, and he tries so hard to ‘impress’ me that it makes me irritated.  I have told him he’s just a friend, but he still is trying to make our relationship something it is not.  He knows about my boyfriend too, which makes it even more irritating.  I have fun when I’m with him for a while, but eventually, I just have to go home and take a time out.

I am so grateful for what God has given me, though I am unsure if a god even exists at this point.  I keep trudging on, trying to fight a wavering faith, trying to believe that there is a plan in action, but all I see is chaos.  I can’t wait to get in the woods, even with the loss of my things, I really think that life off the land would probably be more peaceful than this constant struggle in the ‘real’ world.