I remember when my dad was a angry drunk I was only 10 then. I was so scared to come home because I knew it would be the same thing every night. School was a safe place for me even if I had no friends. I went through a lot from 10 to 13. I was really depressed back then. My dad got his shit together when I was 13 and stopped drinking. My mom became a real mom. We were what I would call a normal family we still had problems but we worked through it.
This shows me that life does get better. I thought a lot about why I’m still severely depressed when life is not in chaos anymore. I figured it out. Just because life gets better does not me you will be happy. I still have issues from the past that did not get fixed. The chaos may be over but the damage it has down is not.
I often wonder why I drink and do drugs when that’s what fucked my family up. I thought I was nothing like them. I thought I could control myself. I’ve had alcohol poisoning twice and been addicted to meth. I use these excuses that it’s my parents fault that I would not be so fucked up in the head if it were not for them. I’m selfish. That’s not even close to why I do the things I do. I do the things I do in hope of feeling okay.
Some people never ever come to realize that this is your life and you lead the path it follows. Treat people the way you want to be treated. Do what you want. Be you. I’ve wasted so much time trying to be someone else, now I just don’t even like who I am.
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These days the theory goes that basically “something” was driving is to drug or drink. Most often the something is a healthy need that we can’t identify or we don’t have access to. I thought life seemed harsh and I’d get stressed out and lonely and drink myself into oblivion.
So I went to detox got clean and sober 18 months ago and guess what? The something (for me) is major depression and the depression has been very stubborn. Oh crap they say getting clean and sober is the easy part. Staying clean and sober is the hard part. Damn I think they’re right.
Yeah coming of meth is hell. You get so suicidal and it physically hurts too. I can’t stop with the drinking. I found a healthy way to do it. I use shot glasses now. I use to drink out of the bottle. The hardest part of it all is the trust I lost and they will always think that I’m an addict. I came off meth by myself. I’m still not proud I still smoke weed and drink.