I have not told anyone this but one of the reasons I’m gonna kill myself is because I will not live the 9 to 5 pace. I don’t want to work like a programmed robot doing the same thing everyday. Life does not sound interesting. What’s so appealing about stressing about money your whole life. I don’t want to keep living simply because people say I have too. My life has never been easy I’ve worked my ass off to get everything back to where it should be. Nothing is what it seems it sounds good but in the end it causes a hole in your heart. No one wants to be around me, they keep leaving right as I let myself open up. What’s the point of screaming out if no one will listen. What’s the point in asking for help when no one’s there to lend a hang. I literally have nothing left to give. I just need a friend to stand by me. I’m tired of being kicked when I’m already down.
Everyday it’s the same torture. I wake up not wanting to get out of bed. I leave my room to get on the scale seeing a number that makes me cry. I won’t eat but 100 cals a day. I weigh 99 pounds but my body looks like it’s 160 pounds. My parents worry. I clench my teeth trying not to cry all day. I ask myself why I let it get this far. I hate myself for who I am and the things I do. I start to believe I deserve all of this. I miss my boyfriend so much, he can’t be here for me. I want him home but he’s in the military. My parents go to bed. I stay in my room contemplating suicide over and over again. I go to the only relief I have. I cut and cut until I’m numb and then fall asleep crying because it does not last forever. I’m tired of people acting like anorexia or self harm is cool. It’s not even close it’s torture. It controls my life it’s who I am. I never wanted a number on the scale to control who I am. I’m tired and I’m starting to think that people would be happier if I was dead.
They act as if I’m delusional I’m tired of getting called crazy. Why don’t they understand the words I say. When will I not be alone? I so scared of feeling lost. I just want him home. People stare and I don’t think they know how sad it makes me. They see what I see. Nothing. I’m so fucking tired. I don’t get out of bed anymore. This is a cry out for help! no one’s there though.
my parents don’t even have a clue that thing got worse. It’s useless. I can’t be someone because I freak out in public because of my anxiety. I never leave my room. I want out but I don’t have a way. I’m weak. I want to be strong.
I remember when my dad was a angry drunk I was only 10 then. I was so scared to come home because I knew it would be the same thing every night. School was a safe place for me even if I had no friends. I went through a lot from 10 to 13. I was really depressed back then. My dad got his shit together when I was 13 and stopped drinking. My mom became a real mom. We were what I would call a normal family we still had problems but we worked through it.
This shows me that life does get better. I thought a lot about why I’m still severely depressed when life is not in chaos anymore. I figured it out. Just because life gets better does not me you will be happy. I still have issues from the past that did not get fixed. The chaos may be over but the damage it has down is not.
I often wonder why I drink and do drugs when that’s what fucked my family up. I thought I was nothing like them. I thought I could control myself. I’ve had alcohol poisoning twice and been addicted to meth. I use these excuses that it’s my parents fault that I would not be so fucked up in the head if it were not for them. I’m selfish. That’s not even close to why I do the things I do. I do the things I do in hope of feeling okay.
Some people never ever come to realize that this is your life and you lead the path it follows. Treat people the way you want to be treated. Do what you want. Be you. I’ve wasted so much time trying to be someone else, now I just don’t even like who I am.
They ask me if I’m okay knowing that I know what they want me to say. I smile say I’m fine it’s like this everyday. Most of us don’t have a life because depression has literally taken over are life’s. I was so happy.. He made me happy he’s the only guy I will ever trust. I’m a bad girl friend it’s to much for me I can’t help it I was dependent on him for happiness. I told him he would have to leave and start his own life. He told me where ever that is he’d take me with him and now he’s in the military. I’m 15 I can’t go with him. He told me to wait I will because he’s the only guy I knew of love. When he gets back we will marry. I try to keep calm but my head is trying to kill me. I want out of life. I want a break. I want to feel relaxed for once.
I decided that it’s no longer about living because I have to. I’m going to live because I need to. My mom is currently in intensive care I came home and found her blue from lack of oxygen. She can’t breathe on her own. My mom is everything to me. She came back when I was 12 and saved me and my brothers lifes. I won’t give up until I know she’s fine. I blame a lot of this on myself the lack of oxygen is from to many medications because she was in pain because she was stressed about me. My mom has a huge heart she would give anything to make her children happy. She does not deserve to suffer, she’s the closest thing to god I know. My dad and my brother are so stressed and sad. Everyone seems to blame themselves.
I finally get it if I died it would not just define me but it would ruin my family because we are all that we have. No matter how much we have gone through or all the pain my father and my brother causes on me. They are the only people in the world who care and I would never want to hurt them.
I may be sad but I will work through this even if chaos is tiring I will keep going forward. I’m so sad but alive.
To be honest I don’t know why I put up an act and lie that I’m happy. I’m not. Maybe one day but I don’t know my future it’s not clear to me why my life is filled with so much hate regret and sorrow. I don’t know how to tell them that I’ve not been okay I hate to see the worry in my mom’s eyes and the guilt that my dad has. It’s just to much for them to take.. Sitting here in silence and not being able to talk or cry and hug my mom. I came to realize that they have there own problems. I’m 15 years old I should be happy and outgoing but life never seems to give us what we want. I have everything I need a family and the guy of my dreams that keeps me alive even though I feel like dying everyday. I have food and water and a house to stay at. Why am I not happy what do I need what does it take? No one has these answers but I’d give anything just to feel good again. It’s been to long. Almost 4 years. I just want to have peace of mind and to relax. It might just be this world was not meant for me and that it would be better if I was dead. I’m so close.
Now I’m sitting here knowing that things are going down hill I’m losing everything and everyone. I amÂ completely done. I have nothing left. I don’t even see the point in trying anymore. I see all these people laughing and smiling and I hate it. There for I don’t like who I am and change will not come because I’m me and that’s it. I can’t change if I tried. My life had been full of bullshit stuff that no one should say they went through. god did not put me here to be sad he put me here to make something of myself and I have failed him. There are so many reasons to die and no reasons to live. I don’t get why things have to be this way. I want to live and be happy I do so bad I’ve cried myself to sleep every night i praying the same prayer. I always pray that everyone who I know or seen is happy and healthy and I pray that god will give me theÂ strengthÂ to put the ruins back together I pray he gives me the strength to live by my one rule to treat others how I want to be treated. I’m not a good person but I try so hard to be. It’s pointless when you know you will be nothing more then that suicidal hopeless 13 year old for the rest of your entire life. Things could change. They won’t though because this is what I deserve.
I have burned down every bridge when I was with him. I have no one else. he has 9 days and it’s killing me. Finally finding someone who makes me feel safe and relaxed for just the little bit of time I get to spend with him. I cry so much thinking things are going to go back to the way it use to be. I had nothing to wake up for. He was the only reason I’m here. He saved my life. He has 9 days left and then he will be gone. He will be in the military. I will be the way I was before I met him even worse because not being able to feel safe your whole life but then you meet someone and in his arms you are safe from all the fears and people who have hurt you in your life it’s a relief I can not describe. I will no longer have that. He showed me what was to be loved and how to love. I let him in the only person who knows everything. 3 years I will live with out the love of my life. My best friend. The guy who has my heart. He will be so far away.
I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to hate myself. I don’t want to cut. I don’t want to starve myself. I don’t want to push everyone away. I don’t want to be tired. I don’t want to be afraid of myself.
I want to be happy. I want friends. I want to be loved. I want to love myself. I want to be happy with the way I look. I want to stop making my parents worry. I want to live.
You learn really early in life that you never get what you want so we settle for what we have. I don’t want to do that.
Yeah I was right it only gets worse. Bad stuff after bad stuff. I’m really tired of all of this. I just want out. My suicide attempt failed and I really wish I was dead. I don’t see why it has to be this way. I was born dysfunctional. I’m never been this disappointed. I regret what I did and I have 2Â felony’s. How fucking great wonder how I’m gonna get a job next year. I think I will not wake upÂ tomorrow.Â Â Well I hope this try works.
I’m a bad person and I don’t deserve to live. I don’t even know how to change so goodbye.
I might have a problem with drinking but you would to if you felt the way I do. I hope that everyone is doing good tonight. I’ve been crying for a long time now. I can barley breathe I think life is really getting pointless. I can’t be happy and no nothing gets better with time. No one willÂ trulyÂ understand me and no one cares to. I don’t even understand why I want someone to. I wish people would just stop and think about the things they say or do. I feel like there is no one out there.
Who knew I had a heart. I don’t understand why this is happening. I have had enough of the way things work. My grandma always told me that god only gives us what we can handle. I can’t handle it anymore. I wish that I could but I don’t have the strength anymore it hurts and hurts and it only will get worse. I begged for just one day of happiness. I forgot what happiness feels like.. don’t ever fall in love oh god no it hurts more than anything I have ever felt in my entire life and I’ve been through a lot. I’m tired of fighting for air. I’m tired of being tired. Most of all I’m tired of being sad. I don’t like myself and it’s tearing me apart I will never be pretty on the outside or the inside. Who knew a beautiful soul would push me to the edge. I wish I could tell you that I won’t be waking up tomorrow but that would be a lie. I hope that one day I can feel happy. Until then I will be tired sad and angry. I’m worthless.
Why do I waste my tears for him. He’s leaving I feel like I can’t live without him. When I see his blue eyes I feel happy. Â He saved my life twice I really don’t deserve to tell him I love him. I started drinking again.. Â I still can’t forget or make the pain go away. I should of told him not to go but that would be selfish. I’m tired of feeling so sad.
Remember the days when we were happy that’s what I live for. I was waiting ever so patiently. I realized maybe happiness is just a lie or illusion because it’s been waiting and fighting. For what to be at the same place I was to start with. I fight my battles and I can never win. I’m not giving up I’m letting go.
This is more than I can take. I’ve had enough of this life alone I’ll give it up this time I know.. because I can.
I hope everyone is doing okay. I sure as hell am not. Here’s a shitty poem.
silence consumes us
the feeling it gives us
is what they call my insanity
my problems are distorted
give me time to find
where sanity left me behind
my core is rotten
if only I had forgotten
the years of affliction
that left me here wishing
for no tomorrow
or what comes to follow
the words left unspoken
always leave me here broken
tragedy is my fate
reality is forever astray
the loneliness of craziness
gives me reason to believe
that there is nothing out there for me
This song is my 8th grade year. The year when I made a life time of mistakes. I guess there not mistakes if you keep repeating them.Â http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6t-AgLT-LM
“I dont usually likes saying this to you over facebook mostly how lame it is, however if left unsaid i feel that the truth would just be gone sooner than can pass but im proud of you. im proud of how much youve taken advantage of tops. im proud of how much you bullshit you pushed through in the last while and most of all im proud of the fact that you havent givin up yet” 🙂
my old friend said that to me awhile back. It made me cry because no one see’s how hard I’ve been trying to clean the mess I made up. I lost this friend for a stupid reason. I think he understood.. Â I miss him.