Quite recently, I had a seizure. This seizure kind of threw my mind out of wack, because I remember before passing out thinking about how I didn’t want to die. What really gets to me is that this is sort of the opposite of what I think I want. I always think about how people’s lives would be better without me. Do I subconciously want to live? I have been thinking about this ever since I had the seizure.
I’m really sorry if none of this makes sense.
4 comments
I think it makes sense I think what you feel is that you don’t want to live with pain anymore but you still hope deep down that there is hope for you, at least that’s what I can say with me
I believe deep down we all want to live. Suicide is not natural but a choice. It is the things that happen to us, the suffering we go through that makes us want out but if those things were taken away, I don’t believe anyone would want out but would want to keep enjoying life.
I don’t think the mind makes a distinction between physical and psychological experiences especially when it comes to pain. Often when we find ourselves psychologically stuck, the inner sense of self, most of which is subconscious, “knows†that to move forward, it has to let go of some attitude, a hope, an idea, a dream, a belief…that is getting in our way. But that this letting go is experienced like a dying especially to the ego which may hang on to the unhelpful attitude just because that’s all it knows and it fears letting go means its own death.
So the call to let some attitude go that is getting in our way of who we want to become, to let it die, is repressed and repressed instead of a call to growth is experienced as a physical desire die.
The irony being that the ego would rather physically die then physiologically die… at least its ok with letting you think you would kill yourself, unconsciously “knowing” that the survival instinct will keep it safe. Miserable but the ego remains safe…
Science has shown that the unconscious process hundreds of millions bits of information a second, just to keep ourselves breathing. Consciousness on the other had is actually quite limited, capable of processing maybe 8 to 16 bits per second on our best days. All the rest of the information is filtered. If it wasn’t filtered you would likely be trapped in your own world (mind/body). If you were conscious of everything your eyes saw and your ears heard or your body felt… consciousness would go mad!
But what if we could tap into this inner library of information that knows and even how to achieve them? What if within this vast inner library is a “true Self”, a inner self who yearns for growth and becoming, What if this inner sense of self bubbles to the surface, with or without our intention, trying to get our attention, to make itself known? And what if, as it comes to the surface we deny it and try to drown it?
What if so much of our pain we experience is caused by a denial of this inner sense of “Self†that knows us better then we, the ego, knows ourselves. This sense of “Self†that “knows†when some attitude is getting in our way, knows when someone is lying, when a relationship is over… and wants to push through what is keeping us stuck but instead finds itself in conflict with the ego conscious, the very thing this inner self needs to express itself self and be known… but instead out of fear the ego holds on to what it knows, even if what it knows is pain?
What if this inner sense of “Self†will do all that it has to do to be heard? How might the body experience this constant tug of war? The very process of consciousness or awakening
The ego consciousness, with its limited bandwidth, thinks/feels it’s in charge, that it is the only part of you that matters, that it is in fact you, The Self, and in doing so the ego is denying access to a great store of information, and preventing you from becoming.
In the moment before the seizer struck, when the ego consciousness was being “parkedâ€, the inner subconscious bubbled to the surface, into awareness and asked you/itself to be given the space and the grace to become.
To live well is to learn how to “die†well.
This is a truth that the Universe literally screams at us every day as the sun rises and set, one day flowing into the next, one season flows into the next. For spring to arrive winter must be endured.
Since the dawn of recorded history every culture has recorded stories, myths, fables, teachings pointing to this process of the life death life cycle, asking us to trust it and yet refuse.
We would rather physically die then live. We would rather forever “hang from a cross†of our own making, live in a winter that never ends then let go and make room for spring. This is not “religionâ€, or about God, though it is part of that which binds us all together, and the process does require trust.