Hello Internet.
Let me first introduce myself a little.
My name is X and a boy. I’m just your average 18-year old student and I’m born and raised in the Netherlands so English isn’t my first language. So excuse my for any spellings mistakes in this letter below.
About a year ago I started to notice something about myself yet looking back this has already been going on for longer than a year.
My reason for writing this is that I never seem to be “really†happy and somehow tired all the time. When somebody tells me a joke, I laugh, but never longer than 2 seconds. I always seem to have the intension to smile because I’m supposed too. On the other hand I’m not, as far as I know, depressed. Yet I do have a lot of mood swing between my “happy†and neutral state.
I never had any struggles throughout my puberty. I am straight (Note: I don’t have any problems with people who are gay) and I love to interact with other people. I don’t have any problems with school or at home. I have caring parents and a lovely family. Good friends and an all time best female friend. (She is emotionally very instable and currently going though a breakup with her boyfriend. For a long time I have been her support, especially now). I have never been bullied or abused. I don’t do drugs of any kind. Also I don’t really drink that much alcohol.
Everywhere I go I see death and all the time death seems to be on my mind. When I wake up, go to class, when I’m with friends, in the shower or when I go too bed. It never seems to stop.
I don’t think I’m suicidal, but if a car would be heading straight at me. I don’t think I would set a step aside.
I have already seen every death or suicide scene from movies on YouTube at least four times by now. I have looked up all kinds of suicide videos/photos on the internet and watches numerous documentaries about death, suicide and euthanasia. I seem to be preoccupied with death and dying. I seem to have falling in love with the sadness surrounding death.
Maybe someone can tell me if they have experienced a similar situation and how they handled their situation. You don’t have to take away this feeling of sadness. I’m just looking for people with similar experiences.
7 comments
I have a lot of information about my chosen method (hanging) on my computer. Detailed information about it. And, yes, I ‘researched’ by watching videos, reading articles, and downloading documents. I started over a year ago.
I don’t understand what you mean when you say, “handled” the situation. I think that depends on what a person wants. Personally, I go back and forth between wanting help and wanting to die. I have a therapist but I often wonder if it will matter in the long run. People might say it will if I invest in it but I’m 50 years old and I’ve been in therapy on and off throughout my life. I have invested and eventually, I always come back to wanting to die.
You also said you don’t need anyone to take away your feeling of sadness. I like that. I like that you said it and I too, don’t expect that for myself. Sadness is familiar to me. It’s comforting in it’s own twisted way. Safe, I guess you might say.
So, what’s similar to me about your post is this is how it started. A year later, I’m still here. Will I still be in another year? I can’t answer that.
Ik spreek niet zo goed Nederlands, …
Maybe it could be that you are maturing. I don’t think that things are as funny as I did when I was younger because I have more responsibilities and usually people who think that everything is funny don’t care about anything and need to grow up.
Maybe it is just a time that you are going through. I am in a better mood when I am doing something I believe in and I feel like I have something to look forward to. I wouldn’t panic about it.
Je Engels is zeer goed.
Ik hoop u hiermee geholpen te hebben !
I can relate. Death is at the back of my mind most of the time too.
To me, death is freedom. Death is peace. Death is an ending to this crap.
I think it’s natural to be curious about death, especially because its inevitable and generally hidden from us. There are also plenty of strange and interesting ways that people die. Like people parachuting into a crocodile pit accidentally or being ripped apart by a pack of guard dogs. Then there are people getting killed by machines and other people so there’s violence and cruelty. It’s hard to see why it all wouldn’t be at least a little interesting to people in general.
But we need to take 10 seconds and make a mental note of how we feel after watching these things. It can be depressing and/or traumatic, which is a pretty good reason for the rapid response that swoops in covers up and carries away someone who has died. Aside from death, child birth is so rarely shown. It can be sort of traumatic and shocking too, which I guess is one reason we rarely or never see it.
Hello,
Another Dutchie here. I don’t really relate to the situation you’re in (by example I really do have problems and struggles like beeing bullied and stuf) but I recognize the part of acting happy while you are not. Do you also feel empty or numb?? You say you don’t really feel depressed, but maybe you do feel empty or numb (leeg/verdoofd). A therapist once told me about melancholia. She explained it to me as feeling not good, or depressed or numb/empty, but you actually kinda like that feeling. But because society expecting of us to be happy, you act like you are happy. I hope you understand me, if not, place a reply with your questions and I’ll explain it in Dutch if you like it, or send me an email. I really hope this information will help you. If you ever want to talk, mail me.
Those are big red flags. I feel bad reading this and not helping you but I really don’t know what to tell you or I would.
While some would see it as a negative thing to think about a lot, I believe it’s quite normal to go through a stage in life where you consider the idea of death in great detail. I know I have. Death is such a mystery and inevitability of life that it’s almost absurd to NOT give it a good deal of thought.
After all, 55 million people die every year.
If you are generally content with life at this time, try to hold onto the good things. Myself, I’ve done quite a bit of distancing myself from others to prevent pain on both sides when the inevitable does happen and it’s not a good choice really. So my advice is to cherish your good relationships and it’s ok if you’re a little preoccupied with the thoughts of what death is all about as long as you maintain a “be happy in the now” outlook of life.