I’ve been struggling with depression for five years. I’m 18 now. I haven’t tried to kill myself, but I self harm quite often. I snap rubber bands against my wrists and thighs, I bite myself, give myself bruises, scratch myself, burn myself in the shower, pretty much anything I can do to cause myself pain. I feel that I deserve pain. I have done so many things in my life that make me think that I don’t deserve to live.
I don’t feel like people actually care about me; I feel like they just put up with me. I am supposed to start my second year of college in the fall, but my date makes it so I only have to suffer through a week or two more of school. I’m ready now, but I have a few letters I want to write to people first, and I promised one person that I would wait until the end of August. I don’t often make promises but whenI do I keep them.
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Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. Listening to the hurtful things people say about us and believing it or listening to our own negative self talk that is even more damaging. Believing that we deserve punishment and self inflicting it upon ourselves. Our filters seem to filter out the good and just let in the bad. Been there and always depression comes. We have all done bad things and some have had bad things done to us. What I have come to learn through going through many years of this is that we don’t deserve it. No matter what we have done, there is forgiveness from the one who created us. We can choose to keep focusing on the negative and keep ourselves down in darkness. We have free choice to do that. Just this morning, as I was waiting for my ride to work I was outside and looked to the west which was clear skies. A night rain had passed through but not much rain fell. But as I looked up I saw a rainbow in the clear blue morning sky. It was a full rainbow from end to end and I just was amazed because I had never seen a rainbow in a clear sky. I kept looking and could see the second one just barely but it was there. I felt so at peace and began to sing a church song of walking by faith. The words just came and were there. The point is if we walk with our heads down we miss out of the little miracles that happen in life. You are so young and have a bright future ahead of you. Don’t let the negative take over your mind. Find little positive things around you. They are there. Focus on good thoughts and if someone trys to tear you down, then don’t give up your power by listening to that crap. When we give into someone else’s anger, manipulation or negativity we become like little puppets on a string dancing the dance for them. There is forgiveness and love from the one who knows your heart. No secrets to hold because he knows everything about you and has a beautiful plan for your life.
It sounds like you have anxiety and panic attacks. I’ve found for myself the best thing is to give yourself time to be alone and quite, no computers (that is the hardest for me, I actually changed careers to get away from the computer for a bit), no cell phones, unplug the tv. Go for a walk. Meditate while walking. Take pictures. Anything to keep you busy for a period of time. Let time pass in waves, it will come and go. When you are hurting yourself, at least from my experience, it’s because you want to make the jumble of your thoughts recede and let life come forward. There are other ways to accomplish that, but I haven’t worked it out yet.