I’m tired of feeling like I’m just stretching out the inevitable.

I’m about to lose my home and my boyfriend at the end of the week. I can either move back into my parents’ place in the closet of a room next to what used to be my old room, or… well, that’s about it. I’m 22 and I have very little to show for my life. I work in a dead end retail job part time and I can’t seem to get out of this rut. My soon-to-be ex boyfriend is miserable because of me, and I know my parents are deeply disappointed in my life. I have no close friends except for one who seems to be much closer to my boyfriend than myself. I have three brothers – one, my twin – none of whom really seem to care if I even come around to say hi. I feel like I’m just annoying them when I come over, even.

I feel this crushing sadness a lot more often lately. Like, I often get incredibly depressed (nothing new) and then I get a pang of what I imagine would be one wishing very very hard to be in their mother’s arms, like when they were little. But then another wave of sadness crashes into me when I try to remember moments like that and I don’t. My mom loves us all, but she was never the hugging, kissing, kind of moms like many others. I don’t want to lean on anyone for support, but then there’s an overwhelming longing in the heart for someone to just hold you.

But anyway, off topic. I basically am tired of being so damn alone and making people so miserable.

There’s no future for someone who doesn’t know what the fuck to do with their life at the age of 22. No one wants to spend the rest of their life with a woman who doesn’t want kids or can’t cook anything besides cupcakes. I’m a really shitty person, too. People think I’m so nice because I’m really petite and really quiet but I’m just as awful as anyone else. Worse, even.

Hopefully, after this the lives of those around me will slowly improve. It will hurt them for a while, I can’t do anything about that, but I also can’t bear to be around here any longer. I just don’t see anything left. I’ve got a vague plan, and I’m not stupid enough to try here in my apartment. I’m working out the details right now. I have spent my whole life being a procrastinating fuck up. Time to stop.