Question

Finding myself in the same boat I have asked the same question.

If I say and feel as if I would rather be, and really want to be physically dead but am unable and or not going to kill myself – WTF am I doing?

Are my suicidal thoughts just some delusional masochistic fantasies? An escape that keeps me stuck, keeps me from trying and engaging with life that to a large extent I fear?

Are my suicidal thoughts just another means for me to hold on to those parts of myself that I need to let go of, that I need to ‘die’ in order to move on and live. I wish to physically die because I can’t or won’t psychologically die.

When I look at my depression I was horrified to find that the part of my life that I was most depressed about was my depression!
I had gone full circle, depressed because I was depressed. And that is just messed up!

Depressed and I can’t even do that right!
I mean if I could be depresses about something that really mattered I think that would at least be meaningful. But then if I felt my depression was meaningfull I probably wouldn’t be depressed.

In the end the conclusion I came up with was that my thoughts of suicide were pointless and unhelpful and I refuse to torment myself about it.

If I really had nothing to live for and really wanted to die there is no reason why I should be afraid of living.
No reason to be afraid of what other people thought of me.
No reason to be afraid of to do what I want to do.
No reason to be afraid of letting go and enjoying myself.

But I am afraid, and I’m afraid because I want to live, to really Live…
But I don’t live because I don’t know how to ‘die’ and let go of all my silly fears.