The First Set Of My Saved Writings

Sometimes when I feel the sadness coming on I try to fight it, I do everything…no anything I can to keep it at bay hoping to god it will leave me alone. But sometimes I let it take control and reach into the bottom of me my very existence and dredge up the fear the insecurities and feelings I banished in a stronger moment and let it wash over me the self-loathing the depression the hatred the thing I wish weren’t there or never existed, because happiness bring denial and strength, the strength to lock those feelings away forever but sadness… sadness bring weakness, vulnerability helplessness, and acceptance the sadness may hurt me but it helps me accept who I am even if I hate those parts of me I can live with them and you know what it’s not so bad.
Depression lets me see who I really am not who I want to be, I am a mediocre student, mediocre musician, mediocre cook, an okay friend, my life is just one big ball of mediocrity and failure, I am full of let downs and empty promises, maybe someday someone decent will take over my life I can be done with this meaningless tragedy I call a life
Sometime I think about suicide I think about how easy it would be just to drive of the overpass jump off the bridge throw myself in to the middle of a highway but then I stop because I know I never will do it in too afraid of being forgotten
I’ve thought of how easy it would be I could just leave a small note in my back pocket saying goodbye to the people who don’t care, throw my myself in to the highway they could never stop in time my chest and legs crushed my back pocket facing up out of the blood safe from the car, nobody could save me in time by the time help comes id be long dead just a splatter and maybe a small sentence in the local newspaper, “mysterious boy throws himself in front of a car killing himself instantly, now for today’s weather update” who could stop me who would know
I thought I knew what to do with the rest of my life I thought I had it planned but overtime I think about I hear this little bit of doubt at the back of my mind asking me is this really what I want or am I just being pressured in to making a decision I will regret it seems every day in regretting decisions I made earlier but how can tell the good one from the one that I will wish I never had made?
The rain only make me sadder it’s like the sky is crying with me the world feels my pain and understands yet it still does nothing to help me because I am only one of billions why am I special? Exactly in not, in forgettable wasteful expendable if I were to die tonight the world would keep on going who care if one person dies of sadness when others are dying of bullet wounds or cancer. But I care I feel for those dying slowly withering away succumbing to the sadness they are the ones who need a reason to them, to them any and all of them I extend my hand out with an offer… if you’re going to be sad come be sad with me and we can all be sad together one great big meaningless ball of sadness at least then we won’t feel so alone

.