So I haven’t been here in a while. Right now I’m on a chatroom for depressed/suicidal people and that kind of stuff. However I am too shy to say anything of what I want to say because I don’t want to bother them. At least here you guys can just ignore my post and so I don’t feel like I am forcing you to talk to me and that makes me feel less annoying.
Anyway so I haven’t been feel great lately. I just get this weird, awkward feelings I can not describe. They are not emptiness, nor pain. I don’t know what they are but they annoy me to the point that I want to kill myself. I do feel some kind of emptiness sometimes though. I suddenly feel like everything is pointless, dream-like. It doesn’t feel good, at all. Sometimes I don’t feel anything. It sucks because I hate everything and I feel like a fucking annoying cliché, like I’m just overreacting for no reason.
I met a friend online. Â She’s my age, she’s lovely, she’s sad. I worry about her a lot, but she’s awesome. It sucks how I love her more than most of the people I see everyday but she’s far away. She helps me through the day and I help her through the day. She understand what’s going on and I don’t really blame my friends here for not really helping me because they just can’t understand them so I believe it’s my fault to feel lonely because I can’t expect them to understand things they haven’t lived before. I still love them, because even though they don’t know what to do they do care.
Because of money (my mom will probably lose her job and my dad is an old lazy useless asshole so he won’t do anything) my parents are thinking about moving to a smaller place. The idea seems more real everyday because they still thought we could stay here if things got better but apparently things don’t seem to be getting better. It just makes me feel so worried and sad because I don’t want to leave my friends, I don’t want to go. I don’t have lots of friends but they’re all I have, even if they don’t understand me nor help. They are here and I can’t leave them because what am I going to do if I don’t have them? I don’t even have to talk to them, I just need to have them around so I feel less lonely. But if I go they won’t be there and that makes me so sad. Also I feel anxious when I’m not in a city. We would move to a town. And because I get anxiety during the nights with the idea of someone getting in the house (I don’t care if it’s more possible to happen in a city, my mind is not very logical) I need to listen to the people and the cars during the whole night and be able to look through the window and see so many lights. And see the whole city right there and I can be like “wow, there are so many people here. Maybe I am not alone” but I can’t be like that in a small place. I just don’t want to go but probably I’ll have to. I better get used to the idea.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
5 comments
Hellloooo! You’re not alone!
You don’t have to, people do care about you.
You can email me if needed.
I’ll always respond.
It’s brl.cents@gmail.com
Few things can compete with or compare, to sitting in a field in the dark, in the middle of nowhere, far away from anyone else, under a huge clear sky full of stars… that are quite visible without the hazy glow of city lights.
It’s so quiet, all you can hear are crickets and your own heartbeat… and the wind blowing through the grass and trees… and the air is truly “fresh,” because it hasn’t yet been breathed, and there are very few cars or factories around, to taint it.
City born, country raised. I thought i would hate it, but i didn’t. It grew on me. It took moving back to a city, to realize how much i’d miss it.
The sense of freedom is alive and well, far away from the buzzing of the busy city bees, and all the concrete.
I like the city too but sometimes you can feel more connected in a smaller town. At little shops, cafes, they may get to know you more so it can feel more friendly than a busy city restaurant.
Its hard to leave friends. 🙁 I’m sorry if you’ll have to leave them but you’ll still have your online friend. And it sounds like she really cares about you.
I know I’d really like to hear about your new experiences if you ever feel like writing about it on here. <3
I loved the city for a long part of my life as well. I have a strong anxiety of being alone so all the sounds and lights of the city would keep me company while I fell asleep. I also loved the weird feeling of invisibility you get walking around crowded city sidewalks. You could be dead on the street and nobody would give it a second thought. I liked that. But I live in the country now and I love it too. I didn’t think I would. I love to be able to walk outside and not have to socialize with people.
You may find peace in a smaller city. You’ve also met an amazing friend online, who’s to say you can’t keep in touch with your old friends once you move? Will you not have online access? If you do move and you need to vent with nobody to talk to, you can always contact me. I’m an inconsequential anonymous person you can always reach out to. I’ve moved a lot so maybe I could be a good ear/shoulder for you.