A Part Of Me Extinguished

I’m sure everyone’s heard the story I’m about to tell before; the girl who loses the boy she loves. I keep a journal on my computer and write everytime I’m sad, as if I have an audience reading along as I type. I’ve decided to write for people to see this time. I’ve been dating y boyfriend for about a year, we’ll call him Scott. Scott and I have been through much more than a usual teenage relationship. He moved here in the fall of 2010 to start tenth grade with a whole highschool he didn’t know. He had the looks though, and he eventually got right in with the popular crowd at our school. I, to, was a part of this crowd. A friendship was all that we shared until the summer going into grade twelve. I had been in a very abusive relationship all throughout highschool until this point, and I was extremely skeptical. But Scott made me fall in love with him, he was perfect. He always wanted the best for me, he was there everytime I needed someone and he never caused me any pain; emotionally or physically. The ‘popular crowd’ we had been a part of began to become less a part of our lives, and we began to see them for what they really were; snobs. It was so difficult to cut the cord on our relationship with this group, and out whole grade twelve year was a battle we fought together. No matter what arguments we ever had, we always made up within seconds. We couldn’t keep our hands off of eachother, we wanted every second together. The fact that we were both so happy with the people we were was what made out relationship so strong. He became my bestfriend – my only friend. I know what you’re thinking, that I am one of those girls who gives up all their friends for their boyfriend. I know it’s not like that though. My whole six years I spent with my ‘friends’ I was always that one never invited, the one who had to always message people first and who was never the first one anyone would think to talk to or hang out with. I felt left out before Scott, unappreciated. He made me feel wanted, whole. I was in love with him before I could face the reality he had let me know eleven months from this moment right now: he would be moving back to his original province for university. This move happens to be too many miles to even count away from me, a 4000 dollar ticket for there and back. This move was confirmed yesterday, and I haven’t stopped crying. Scott is my absolute bestfriend, and nothing will feel right without him. As much as I take care of my body, my education and be an overall nice person I feel like that’s all pointless if he isn’t here to share any of it with. His family is going on a two week vacation and he’s invited me to come, one last ‘hurrah’ as my mother put it. Right after we get back, he will leave a couple days after. I’m not ready to say goodbye to something to genuine and I know without him I’ll become the person I was before I met him, which is someone I’ve come to despise. I’d rather die than live a day as that person; and therefore death is truly a tempting option. My little sister is on meds for her suicidal issues and I always felt badly for her, I always wished I could do something, anything, to help her. My parents were never worried about me, I was the straight A athlete with a blooming social life. It’s hard to look forward to anything when I know what is in my immediate future, it makes me not want to have one. I have had my first heartbreak already and whoever said the first one is the worst is wrong. More dramatic maybe, yes, but not worse. This is the worst. I’d give anything to see the future, but I can’t. Nor can I wait any longer. I just wanted to share my story in hopes that I can look back on it and know things got better, but equally because I want someone to know what’s going on in my mind. If I told Scott he’d stay here in a heartbeat. And that’s selfish of me, I want him to be happy, it’s not about what I want. If you took the time to read this, you’re awfully patient. I on the other hand unfortunately am not, so I am looking seriously into no longer sobbing my life away.