I am 22, living in Melbourne. Â I am studying a degree that will most likely lead nowhere. Â I am a fat miserable bastard who just wants to feel useful and to feel loved by someone who’s not obligated to do so. Â I have often thought about suicide but have never attempted it. Â I have cut myself before. Â I am sick of feeling like a disappointment, I’m sick of feeling like I’m too hideous to go outside. Â I am an habitual liar and when I’m not either thinking about how terrible I am, drunk or stoned I create fantasies in my head, which is the only way to avoid the aforementioned activities. Â I realize that depression is a disease of the brain, I realize that I probably have depression and that if I really tried hard to seek help I would find it. Â I have been a patient of 3 or 4 psychologists and psychiatrists but I have never been truthful enough in those sessions to make any real progress. Â I think I just find it hard to come out with I want to go to sleep. Â I want to make the pain and anxiety I have felt for as long as I can remember to disappear. Â I am sick of needing other people to fix things for me. Â To keep my money in their account so I don’t spend it all, to get me a job or to pay a fine for me (not because I don’t have the money but because I can’t handle the stress of it being overdue; and calling the right people to sort it out). Â I can’t tell anyone that I want to die because I think it’s yet another sign of weakness, or it would stress out my parents if I told them ( even though they probably know already).
Goodbye.
3 comments
You’re obviously not that much of a liar – you just admitted you’re a liar! All the really untruthful people I’ve met never have enough truth to do that! Psychologists and psychiatrists don’t really help that much but you could probably do with getting yourself on some anti depressants, have you ever tried writing what you want to say to the doctor and take it with you? That might be worth a try. Good luck.
Well, I think you should stay away from pot and alcohol because they make you feel more down..
I was doing that for a while, but I stopped.. now I’m a little better..
but to each their own as they say haha
and I hate talking to psychologists/counselors so I get what you’re saying.. 😉
I usually just don’t tell them much.. because I try not to lie if I can help it
@shadowclone0:
Actually, not everyone experiences a depressant effect from cannabis, though i tend to agree about alcohol.
I’ve actually had a far worse life since i stopped using cannabis. It makes me feel good when little else can, and in ways nothing else ever does. Without that in my life, nothing makes me feel good when little else can, and nothing makes me feel good in the ways cannabis does. Abstinence has certainly increased my suffering… though i won’t lie and say i don’t feel somewhat “clearer.” It’s just that the amount of gained clarity pales in comparison to the amount and frequency of increased pain.
In fact, every single time i’ve gone more than a couple or few weeks without cannibis, my life has gotten worse. This time has been over a year, and i’ve maintained sobriety intentionally, not just due to lack of access. I’ve refused to drink, and declined to smoke. All i’ve gained is a clearer vision of my harsh reality, and “clean pee.” Ironically enough, without the pee-dirtying weed, i won’t be able to maintain the type of attitude that any employer wants. The weed could help me act the way they want, but would make me unable to pass a piss test. Rock and a hard place, i swear.
Life isn’t fair, it’s made unfair by design, and we are expected to act fairly within it.