I scare myself with these thoughts. I don’t want to hurt anyone…I can’t. I don’t have that in me. But what I do have in me is the sincere yearning to hurt myself, even to die. I want to disintegrate into nothing and be gone from everything. I don’t want to feel this way. I have so much to love, so much that could hold me here on Earth and keep me from going 6 feet under. But this feeling keeps me from thinking about those things which I love when I get this way.
My little brother is 13. He’s so wonderful. I would do anything for that kid, really. I have always been with him and have always had his back, and I always will. He’s really beautiful and special to me. I have 2 gorgeous nieces. They are so sweet and so perfect. I love them. I have two sisters which I hold close to my heart, and they’re the most beautiful women I know, besides my mother, who owns my heart and always will. I have a wonderful family, and I love them so much. I would die for each and every one of them, seriously. We have been through a lot, and currently we are still going through some things. My mother is an alcoholic, and her marriage to my stepdad is on the rocks. My eldest sister’s death haunts my mom each and every day, and of course, I can’t blame her for that. But then again, there is no justification for her alcoholism and what she has put me through. I continue to love her, nevertheless, and always will, no matter what else she may do to herself or to her children.
I have been through a lot, but I’m not happy to say that I’m still alive. I don’t see a reason to live anymore. Everything is shit and I feel horrible. I don’t want anyone around me anymore. I feel so dead already. There’s no way out, it seems. I don’t know what to do anymore, and I’m really starting to go downhill. There’s nothing any of you could do, so I’m not sending out a cry for help. It’s like each new path I take, there is no help. Marijuana tends to help some, now that I think about it. But I’m broke and would rather NOT ask my father for 25 bucks. That’s taking it a little over the top in my mind. I just want to sleep and go to another land where nothing exists, not even me. I just want to die. I want all of this to stop. I don’t want to have any memory or the ability to think. I don’t want to eat, drink, breathe, shit, piss, reproduce, nothing at all. I just want to crumble into a heap of dust and never return. I hate this place worse than anything.
If I had one wish, it would be that I could be 5 years old instead of 15. That would be something similar to a heaven for me. I would do anything to be that way for the rest of my life. I hate my mind.
I can’t kill myself nor cut myself. I’m going to have to suffer through this until something comes along that will ease this pain without destroying me totally. I can’t be self-destructive or destructive in general. I just need a pretty fucking large distraction. Maybe that’s why there’s Christianity…