I live in Cincinnati. It is a small town where everybody knows and talks about everybody. I know something is wrong with me on the inside and Im afraid to seek help. I don’t want people thinking Im crazy and weak because I have a mental illness. I dont know for sure whats wrong but something is. I have symptoms like indecisiveness, It takes a great amount of energy and convincing myself to do simple things like cleaning and mowing the lawn, Ive been antisocial for the past year and lost all of my friends and greatly damaged family relationships, Ive planned and acquired the means for suicide  extensively, I don’t have interest in things I used to enjoy, I haven’t had a job since Sept of last year and I honestly cant motivate myself to do anything like school or even plan for the future, I have strong feelings of regret and self hatred because of my poor self esteem, sometimes I sleep from 9pm until 1pm or 4am until 9am the hours varies but they arent consistent, somedays I cry for an hour others I cant seem to cry at all and sometimes a few tears randomly fall, I stay in my room all day afraid of the world and how they will judge me, I miss the past so much I relive old memories in my head all the time and I cant move forward, I dont take showers everyday maybe every 4-5 days once every week, sometimes If I see something funny on T.V I laugh but its weird because I return right to being sad after those seconds pass, I attempted suicide in november of last year but was scared to go thru with it, I hate looking in the mirror and when I occasionally glance at myself I think what a failure or ugly piece of shit I am, I threw all my clothes away except for a few things to wear around the house and ripped my birth certificate and SS card up out of pure spite for myself, Im ashamed of myself and I find it hard to even look my mom in the eye when she talks to me, I wear a hoody outside if I have to take the trash out or mow grass no matter how hot it is, I cant forgive myself for poor choices Ive made through out my life (Im 21), I have no motivation, dreams,hopes,plans nothing, I hate sunny days but enjoy rainy ones, I think about death and suicide A LOT unless I distract myself with T.V which doesnt help because of the sheer number of times they mention suicide or death in damn near all programs, I was 130 pounds last year in august now im near 200 about 194 or 195, I watch porn almost everyday as another distraction method but even now thats starting not to work because of impotence, I used to be addicted to weed as a coping method but eventually that even stopped working. I think I listed everything but I dont want help because once you are listed as mentally unstable you lose a LOT. I dont want to be 51-50’d. I have never told anyone about my suicide plans because I want to carry them out. and dont give me any bullshit cliches like “it gets better” It can also get WORSE and most likely it will when my mom grows tired of me and makes me homeless. Dont tell me “other have it much worse in 3rd world countries” because It makes absolutely NO sense for me to be happy at others misfortune and it wont alleviate my pain. I just want someone who feels similar to tell me what they are doing to keep from suicide because my patience and perseverance are growing thin.
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10 comments
Sorry to hear what you are going through. I know that people get tired of hearing cliches, but I have found that even though I have had long periods of depression where I felt similarly, the better times that came afterwards were worth living for. I noticed that you mentioned watching movies and comedies. I had a friend a long time ago who was suicidal and he said that watching comedies really helped pull him out of his depression.
I really hope that you feel better soon because even though life is not always easy, it is worth it. Hope this helps 🙂
I feel the same like you do. I’m 25, stuck with a mental illness and i hate humanity so much that even the thought of living each day makes me wanna rip out my organs. The only things that pass the time for me are going for walks, watching movies and listening to music. I don’t know how much longer I can take this shit
I want to die but Its the unknown thats holding me back. I know eventually that chain will be broken too and then I will have to face it because I will end it. sometimes when im really on the edge I try going on christian sites that say you will go to hell if you do it to scare me into another few days of this Bullshit but eventually that wears off too because no matter what they say they dont 100% know for sure what happens…. nobody does and those that do aint here no more
yea, that is one of the few reasons why I’m not dead yet. I don’t know for how long the fear of what happens after we die will keep holding me. Also I don’t want my family to find me, so I’m searching for a method where I can do it and be found by strangers. Sometimes my brain tricks me into thinking it will get better and for a while I go on that thought, only to be confronted by pain and misery once again. This planet is such a mess
I had that problem but my solution was simple…..I will do it in the forest or the train tracks so at least a total stranger will find me and not that I wish that on anybody but they wont have emotions invested that traumatize them like family and friends would at most they would be surprised. I cant believe in the possibility of my life getting better because I also have to acknowledge that it could get worse and the way things are going worse is where my life is headed
I think that’s what gets me feeling the worst is when I look back into my past and see who I was before all the shit hit the fan. I see all the friends I had and abilities I took for granted. Everyday is torture now because if im not thinking of my ex gf who betrayed me in the most intense way possible, then im thinking of my past and all the friends I’ve lost because of this mental condition that’s been plaguing me for 5 years now. Gutless.
Exactly….Its like where the fuck did I go and who the fuck am I now. I dont even remember how to be that person of the past. Its like someone fucked with my brain while I was sleep. I cant point out a specific day when I started down this road it just had the snowball effect. My friends have moved on with their life and I cant blame them. They didnt know the person I became. The damage is done and they have been irreversibly damaged to the point if I had the courage to go their house or call them it would be an awkward situation like going to or calling a random stranger
I have felt that bad before and at that point only one thing saved me – antidepressant drugs prescribed by a psychiatrist. In the long run, it’s not going to keep you well (cognitive therapy and learning more healthy coping methods will hopefully help with that but no bullshit – it’s never going to be totally all gone and it is not easy trying to rewire your brain into not making itself miserable) but drugs can help you just get through that really bad time until you get to a place where you can start to work on getting better for the long haul. At least, that was my experience. I was given an ultimatum by my boyfriend at the time to seek professional help or he was going to break up with me, which is the only reason I went to a psychiatrist in the first place. Maybe if you tell your mom what is going on and that you are thinking of seeking professional help, she can help you find/pay for it. It sucks you live in a small town where people talk about you so you can’t avoid the stigma – I didn’t tell anyone about it while I was going through it other than my boyfriend. Maybe you can go to a doctor (a general practicioner may be able to prescribe you an antidepressant, also) in the next town over so no one has to know. But, more people than you think struggle with this. When I finally did start telling people, I found out that most of my friends had gone through similar experiences and I just didn’t know about it because they had also been unwilling to admit their ‘weakness’ to me. Good luck, anyway, I hope you can find peace one way or another.
i live close. feel like you do. robbie33@gmail.com
@blue and green I dont know about telling people….they aren’t the understanding type around here. Most (if not all) people look down upon those with mental health issues around this town. I dont know if drugs will help and at this point I just dont care enough to seek help anymore…I dont care about the future….I dont care about myself …I dont care about anything….I want to go knock at deaths door and hope it opens up and welcomes me inside. I just dont have it in me to fight anymore. @rrrrun then you know how this city works and how fucked up the people are here