Summer

I really fucking hate the summer because it’s just a reminder of how alone I am. I don’t like anything and I don’t like anybody and I would just like to disappear now because I hate the nothingness of everything. I really thought that volunteering at the library most days would put a dent in my boredom and anger and sadness as a result of that boredom, but two hours a day is just not long enough. I don’t like anything right now and everything I find to do always bored me after five minutes, I can think of literally nothing I want to do. Everything is a reminder of how alone I am and how sad I feel in the summer. I hate the summer because I hate the expectation that comes along with every extended period of time when everyone my age isn’t in school. Summer reminds me that I am not close enough with any of my so-called friends to feel comfortable making plans with them, summer is a reminder that maybe I’m not that much better than I was in August when I was on holiday and everything should have been perfect but all I could do was sit in my hotel room and think about jumping out of the window. At times like this I wish I’d jumped. It would have been pretty stupid and incredibly selfish but right now I wish I’d done it. I hate hating myself and I hate feeling like nothing will ever be enough and I hate hating everything. I know that summer will end before too long and my mind will soon be busy with my final year of school and grades and applying to universities and that if that year is successful I can go far away and be someone new and I’ll be glad I didn’t jump out of the window in that fancy hotel in Orlando, but right now I wish I had because I hate this. I fucking hate the summer and I would be happy with horrible weather and year round school if taht meant not feeling this way. I don’t want to fall back into the trap of wanting to die again, but I know that with over a month left of summer it will almost certainly come back. And I don’t know how to stop it. And right now a part of me doesn’t even care. I want to make it through the next year, but I’m a little scared I won’t make it through the next month.