Why the fuck am I still here?

I am so sick and tired of complaining and still being here trying to cope with all the emotional pain and suffering every day. I can’t even do my academic work because I’m so depressed and I just don’t feel like achieving shit anymore. I’m so fucking tired of the fact that I can’t make any friends because of my attitude that comes from depression and suicidal thoughts as well as anxiety.  I am SO fucking not okay with my distant girlfriend who constantly goes on about how she’s out with her friends and I have to lie to her telling her that I’m meeting up with some friends too when really I’m just a loner coping with depression of some sort and she doesn’t even know that. I’m so fucking tired of have this stupid damn eating disorder and self-body image issues that I’ve been fighting on and off insanely for the last 7 years. I feel like I just want to get raped and killed with a gun shot through the head. All I’ve been doing is cheating on my girlfriend anyway, because I’ve been flashing my tits off and other parts (yes I’m a lesbian I have a girlfriend) to random strangers through the internet hoping one of them will come and rape me and ruin my reputation because I honestly can’t give fucks anymore. I’ve been overdosing on whatever pills that seem strong to me, as well as inhaling a lot of smoke so that my body suffocates. Might not take too much affect enough to kill myself but at least I’m doing some damage to myself so that when I at least die it’ll be a much easier process because I’ll have a weaker system. I fucking lost my friend of 8 years a few days ago because they were being a stupid **** and then I overly yelled at them and blocked them through Facebook and other places, there goes my childhood friend. My parents don’t understand shit of what I’m going through, and they don’t even know. I don’t want them knowing either because then they won’t let me kill myself and they’ll try and save me. I was hoping I’d make a suicide pact around here in Davenport, Florida or something..yeah doubt anyone lives in that small city. If you at least live in Florida I would appreciate if you drove/drive your way to Davenport so that we can do this pact and that’s that. I really just wanna get this over with and stop being the little whiny slutty ***** I’ve been. Life doesn’t have to hear a peep from me anymore afterwards.