Do you ever get that feeling like you don’t know what’s happening to you but at the same time you know exactly what it is? It’s like you know the word they describe it but when you’re experiencing it, it’s foreign to you, like something you’ve never handled before. But you know it. You’ve been there before. You’ve lived through it. But it’s as if time rewound itself and you’re experiencing it again for the first time.

I thought I’m free…safe. Maybe I was just running away. Maybe, I’ve never really been able to handle anything. My default is to shove it all in a box and lock it away. But what happens when the box becomes too full? Where will I put it all when there’s no space left.

I want to hurt myself again and again. That pain is good. If I hurt myself, I’d be able to ignore the thoughts devouring me.

I go through this endless cycle and I don’t know if I’ll ever stop. All my worries, all my anxieties, all my thoughts, everything is shut inside a carefully locked box. But when it becomes too full and the entire thing burst open, I’m breaking down and I’ll have to pick up the pieces again, and stuff everything inside…again.

I didn’t want to be in this situation again. But I always come back. I just want to give in.