I have cut myself on and off since I was 13. I’m 24 now. There have been long breaks when I didn’t do anything mainly because of summer, jobs and relationships. I have horrible scars on my right thigh, my left arm, and my stomach. Most are thinner scars but there are a couple of nasty looking ones that probably should have had stitches.
The reason why I’m here is because I have a dilemma. I want to cut myself again, I haven’t done it for a couple of years I guess. With one exception. About 1 year ago I went to cut for the first time in ages, and the blade was new, it went too deep, and I needed stitches for the first time. I don’t handle gore super well anymore, I think I have become more sensitive with age. I had to get it cleaned out at the hospital which was extremely painful, and also a tetanus shot.
Since then I have been spiraling down and down into perhaps the deepest depression yet. I deal with anxiety every day, trying to hold down my full time job and yet another failing relationship. I want to cut again, just a bit, to feel better. By the time summer comes around it’ll just blend in with the rest of the scars on my arm. The problem is, I’m too fucking scared. I’m scared that I will accidentally cut too deep again, and I can’t bring myself to cut even a few layers of skin.
Has anyone had any similar experiences and how did you move past this?
I am over having this retarded problem when it comes to things gory and medical. I get the cold sweats and faint feelings from just reading about other people’s period pains online, just standing in the hospital or vets, and getting needles at physio. I never used to be this bad!! When I was a kid I would watch videos of decapitation and look at pictures of dead bodies. The only key moment I can think of which may have affected my sensitivity, is when I watched my dog get put down, at approx age ten, I experienced the cold sweats and seeing bright lights for the first time.
Any other self harm suggestions will also be appreciated. I like creating bruises, and maybe some light burning is on the table.
If you got this far, thanks for reading.
6 comments
I too have been there. I realized the reason I wanted to self harm was not to feel better but I could control the pain. All too often pain and depression is caused by others hurting us. When I cut myself it was so I could feel like some pain I can start and then when ready; stop.
Once I realized this I also realized I can also control joy. It is much harder, I myself am not doing wonderful at finding it at the present; however it is out there to find. The man who gives up his seat on the bus. The smell after the rain. The smell of sheets that come off fresh from the line. The sweet you bought with your coffee in the morning.
You can also give joy to others. you can control that. In a drive through for coffee I will often pay for the person behind me, give a quarter to the child at a vending machine at the store, I even have bought a pack of smokes for someone. People won’t do it back ( at least I have found) but it is a way to control something else other then pain.
Don’t give more then you have to give though.
Be mindful of what you are doing. Try to base your actions on what is going on and not what you are feeling.
Best of luck. I am in your corner.
You are much braver than me, I have never been able to bring myself to cut. Sometimes I did temp but not to often. Instead of using cutting as a coping method here’s what I want you to do. Pick up a silly children’s book and next time you want to cut open a page and read it. It sounds stupid but it will remind you of how simple things can make people happy. How one colorful, bright, silly picture and a sentence can make children so happy, and could make you happy. When I’m sad I like to go look at all my old childish books and they make me smile, especially if you give a pig a pancake! They remind me I’ve gotten this far in life, and maybe one day, I might have children who will read the same books and smile. When you open that book imagine having a child one day who will read the same book and smile, even if you don’t want children (I don’t really but what happens, happens) I understand its not something you can just quit cold turkey, but just try it even if you only feel better for a second.
“About 1 year ago I went
to cut for the first time in ages, and the
blade was new, it went too deep…..”
Same thing here. And it happend about a year ago too. Actually, it happened… In sept, 18th, 2012.
Yes I still remember. It was my birthday, I was turning 20.
I’ve been cutting since I was 14 but about 3 yrs ago I decided that I needed to change.. I used to cut on my tights.. Over 30 times per days somtimes. And then Id run so it would hurt a little more. I started using my nails for a while.. I cant give you advices to make you stop forever… I dont know how to quit cutting for good. Honestly I wish I could cut right now, Im feeling shitty today. But I want you to know that youre now alone. When we stop cutting for a while, it hurts more when we fail. We cut and the pain gets worst… Its natural, but I dont know if has to do with age..
Anyways. Peace for us all, hopefully when’ll stop cutting for good.
oops! I mean: you’re not* alone
*facepalm*
sorry.
……. *we’ll stop.
Wtf Tristeza… Wake up gal.
*facepalm*
I started cutting for who knows what reason but now it’s a reflex when i feel like i’m losing emotional control. It always give me a focus.. to distract
at any rate, i found it awkward to explain when people noticed the wounds and i couldn’t come up with a good explanation. I wasn’t athletic but at that point, I started going mountain biking and invariably i’d come back bloody. I also stumbled onto the mood enhancing effects of exercise. Technically pain and exercise release endorphins.. so i got the same result without the awkward social issues.
But the impulse never really leaves me.. and its been years.