Hi all. I’m currently really low in the depressive cycle of bipolar. I hate the guilt I constantly feel for being this way. I never asked to be manifested on this planet anyway, so why is it such a taboo subject when telling people that I feel suicidal? People are hypocrites, saying they want to talk anytime but then when you explain that you are at peace with the idea of ceasing to exist on this physical plain, they turn and then the guilt starts.
I have a degree and I used to be in a band who were pretty decent, but all of that is irrelevant. I’ve never been one to take meds but I’m currently so bad that I have agreed to them just to please others. I find it difficult to have functional relationships with loved o ones and I have hurt so many people because I haven’t a clue what is going on in my mind. I’ve been spending a lot of time alone because if I’m alone then I can’t hurt anyone and then I don’t have to deal with the associated guilt.
I’m really considering hanging myself because I believe that this world is a bad place and only people with capital and influence seem to live happily and prosperously. If someone handed me £1000000 it wouldn’t solve the problem because it would get spent and then I’d still have the issues in my head.
I just wanted to know if people have ever felt in a similar way and what do you think? Have you ever felt that you’re a wrecking ball that destroys everything in its path? Well the only suitable answer for me is suicide, to cleanse all of the wrong doings I have committed.
Appreciate your time.
4 comments
Have you talked to a therapist ever? They never really helped me, just helped me feel slightly positive I guess. But my parents were paying for that back then. As far as the meds go, after the therapist, I went to a psychiatrist; who prescribed me Paxil for anxiety/depression and Seroquel for sleep. The Paxil worked, I had started in the psychiatric wing of a hospital the week before, the first time I went there, about two years earlier; I came out not on drugs, this time I had Paxil. I stopped it after a while though, the Seroquel too. Those drugs just didn’t feel right after a while, I kept smoking weed anyway..The real killer was the withdrawal from Paxil. It sounds funny, comical even, but look it up, it’s comparable to heroin.. So I had like a stomache ache, and diareaha, and just felt crappy. That lasted for like a month or longer, like a month and a half. The point I guess, is that you will always feel like you wanna kill yourself sometimes at night, or in the morning, or whenever;but you can find a lot of things in life to replace those thoughts most of the time too. If you haven’t been to the psyche ward because you really kinda thought you were gonna kill yourself and told someone, so the cops come and bring you to the hospital? Well it sucks, I forget all the exact shit, but you HAVE to stay for a certain amount of time, at least in NY. And like, I don’t know about all the money and shit, but it’s all just a big hassle and wake up call, and you will just want to kill yourself more. Just don’t do it. I would reccommend finding more people who have been through shit like that, and talk to them. Don’t be scared too.
I have a good idea what it feels like. Family and friends say that they want to help but they cant, they dont understand what its like to be suicidal and depressed. i ruin relationships because my mind is so twisted and flooded with thoughts. just recently two people who i love ive driven away because i have almost no control over my thoughts. all i want is to die but there is still a part of me that looks for that hope wich will never happen. Sometimes though for those who are willing that hope however dim is enough to carry on.
Try not to think into the future, live by the day, the hour or the minute. take it as it comes and pat yourself on the back just for surviving that hour. When you feel this down every minute is an achievment
At the current moment I don’t think I am ready for another year long journey to get better. Or get to a place where I have control over what I am saying and doing. I don’t mean to hurt people, I’m just honest and sometimes people cry and I just can’t comprehend that.
I cry when I realise what I have done and then the guilt settles in and then I feel it’s time to go. I’ve taken staggered overdoses and I also spent an hour and a half in a tree the other day with my belt around my neck. I’m scared at the amount of detail is going into creating the perfect suicide. I have money for a funeral and I know exactly what I need to carry it out, the difficult part is doing it. The police had to come check on me, because I’m meant to tell people I feel suicidal but then I get told off, and if I don’t tell anyone and just do it, then I am also a bad person.
There’s a whole new world after this one, it’s just the feeling that I could get better and everything could be better. I just don’t think in my current state I want to stick around to find out. Drugs just make everything worse, if you need drugs to calm down your own crazy distorted mind, then it’s not worth being here.
Things that have worked for me: working out. P90x ab ripper full video (youtube), also free weights and some bench lifting. Also running, there is a paved trail through the woods near where I live. Sometimes just going out, and seeing something you didn’t expect to see. Maybe you see a hawk catch a mouse, maybe a crazy bug you’ve never seen, maybe a bird makes a noise you’ve never heard. It’s little things in nature and that sort of thing, smells, tastes. It makes you realize you don’t want to give all this up just yet. Not if you are able to really go out and enjoy it. You can’t just sit around and mope and think about killing yourself, because you will do just that, you will get to the point where you really think you will, and you will either try it, or tell someone you are going to try it. There are just so many little things in life that make it worth seeing the next day. Just go little by little, but don’t be scared to think big.