It seems we all wrestle with conundrums real or perceived. I think one of those is knowing we’re damaged and/or flawed is some way(s) and yet wanting to not be rejected or ostracized for those flaws.  What to do, what to do? Well, for starters, be honest – for one, you won’t have to remember the lie/cover story … and the other, despite what they might think, they’ll at least have to acknowledge your integrity.
Now mind you, I’m talking about social situations and potential relationships here … with authorities and mental/medical health professionals we will always have to be careful of exactly what we reveal but even still there SI a difference between omitting and saying something completely contrary (aka lying). I do NOT condone lying  in any form – now there is always that one exception but i really lose respect for anyone that lies – it only compounds an already difficult situation by adding an additional offense to the original problem
On the other hand – omissions are more of a non revelation – you haven’t lied, but you haven’t told the whole truth either – some will see this as dishonest, some will be hurt that you don’t trust them with the truth – but more often, it’s not a trust they’ve earned in the first place or a trust they’ve demonstrated they can handle responsibly with your best interests and wishes at heart despite what they might think.
So the conundrum (or at least one type) is if and when to tell someone the truth? There is often much in our lives that we want to to tell people because we NEED to for our own well being and therapy to allow us to move forward. But not every person has EARNED our trust to actually hear those things – and although the revelation might be helpful for ourselves, there are just too many people out there that will not treat our secret or vulnerability with the importance and discretion it deserves. You do NOT want to find out the person you gave trust to cannot be trusted to guard your most important and sensitive information when it comes to life altering information
For example (hypothetical): If your best friend would tell your brother/sister that you sole $5 out of his/her pocket – you just DON’T tell your best friend that you think you are gay … you just don’t. “Best friend” can also mean b0y friend/girl friend – in fact, many times it’s those we think we can trust that tend to betray us the worst – and that is because we never really confirmed that they are worthy of the trust we intend to entrust them with.
Now I’m not saying to make shit up to test people – with most of us there are plenty of little personal tidbits that  would have no social effect if they were revealed – i mean – it would not really hurt me in any way to tell my best friend that i think cindysue is cute … if somebody else asks me about that then i know my best friend cannot be trusted with even the most benign secret
(the picture has no real bearing on this post I just found it useful and perhaps helpful to some who might see the relevance)
Real Trust is built and  earned – everyone we meet should get a basic amount of trust but after that they MUST earn it and prove to you they are worthy of it – this is fundamental to both friendships and relationships – they do NOT automatically “get” a high level of trust just for spending time with you
Now that said, i find myself in a conundrum … those of you who are familiar with me know i’ve been in a very difficult and precarious situation for quite some time (at least a couple years). While i remain on my own – my situation is mine and only mine and the resolution, good or bad, only effects me … but recently a woman has taken a liking to me and although i was very honest about most of my past and current situation she still seems to fancy me more that as just a friend (which is nice and refreshing) … my conundrum is, I still do not have a clear path for self improvement and I worry that if she invests too much time and energy in me it will cause her difficulty and pain
On one hand i’m trying to keep a bit of distance, but i’d be lying if i said i din’t want to explore the possibilities of  a more stable long term relationship. I just don’t want her to wake up one day to realize she is tied to a sinking ship and has no choice but to go down with it.
You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink … but if they DO start drinking, can you make them realize the benefit of not drinking too much? or that the water is tainted? Can you get them to stop in their own self interest?
Take care of yourself first – cover your ass first – but also, don’t let those folks you care about walk into a trap.
perplexed dawg
16 comments
From the outside, looking in… i would say give it a chance. She is a human being, much like the rest of us, and would surely sever ties from a sinking ship, should its sinking be revealed and irrevocable.
Like your own posted picture says: waging war on yourself won’t fix the hurt that someone else caused you.
I think, as one who may lead a horse to water, we have to embrace the duty to that horse, to lead it to acceptable water. See it as a privilege, to be trusted by such a magnificent beast, enough that it would follow you, or even carry you, to whatever destination you would lead. Try not to end up so far away from the good water, that your horse will refuse to drink, or that it will be harmed if the only available water happens to be tainted. But, if there is only tainted water available… do you drink up, and enjoy the quenching feeling, or stare at tainted water, dying of thirst?
It’s not up to us to make the horse drink. It’s up to us, to honor the trust they place in us, to make sure it can drink clean water when it’s thirsty. Sometimes, the things we need to sustain us, can cause a temporary hindrance to our progress… like cramps from excess water consumption, due to being over-stressed, and perceiving a critically limited supply of chances to drink good water.
All seems incredibly familiar. I managed to meet and date someone who was probably more troubled than I am. As I usually am quite loathe to share anything pertaining to my personal quirks.. I was surprised when over one evening of drinks and dinner, we managed to piece together that we were both having issues and how refreshing it was to be able to admit that to someone.
But once the euphoria wore off.. i couldn’t help stating and restating that she’d be better off with someone else. What do you do when your nagging sense of self-doubt constantly tells you that you’re weighing them down? I had the benefit of an expiration date.. as she was moving out of country in a matter of months..
But if we had stayed together.. would i have sabotaged the relationship with my issues? The logic doesn’t really hold.. make someone unhappy now to avoid making them unhappy later? people can go into relationships with blinders on but it sounds like you’ve been pretty forthright in terms of your issues. You’re both adults and unless she has a habit seeking out lost causes.. i’d give her a chance.. but that’s me..
luck.
@Clevername (all this response) All fair point – a bit convoluted, but fair 😛
Of course i’ll be giving it a chance – without a doubt. This is more of a demonstration/talking out lout/spit balling post. But it IS a real concern to be sure – the last thing i want to do is to hurt someone i care about on any level. So I’ll be navigating this one carefully and keeping the brakes covered so she doesn’t end up on the slide i’m on.
I can’t predict the future – nor should i try … nor is it my place to impose my thoughts, beliefs and concepts on another person with the assumption that i “know” what they are going to do or how they will act or respond – that said i cannot dismiss the available evidence and lessons of the past – that would be negligent. There’s a balance between what i know about me and the normal reactions the average person has shown when faced with similar situations either with me or others. Suffice it to say, all situations are unique as are all people. To her great credit, she has thus far demonstrated intellectual and judicious autonomy thus far.
I know for my part, that she really wants to like like me and more … she is just looking for an excuse to let go ad go all in with me … and i know i could easily let her by simply omitting, diminishing or glossing over a few of my flaws and imperfections. – it’s too easy because she WANTS to have that faith that everything will be alright.
And we all have been around here long enough to see the fall out for irresponsibly letting another person fall with the absolute promise to catch them … a promise that in good consciousness i cannot make … although i’d really really like to … hence the conundrum … how much to “wing it” on faith that the future is unknowable and hence everything will be alright as long as we have each other … or to err on the side of caution.
And of course to some degree I’ve got to take my own feelings into account for down the road if I throw caution to the wind and let it ride and she does ultimately “cut me loose”/sever ties … well that’s no fun either 😛
diggity dawg
@Roak
One thing i never do is up-sell the competition – it’s one thing to expose and lay bare the truth and your flaws … and stressing the importance and ramifications of those issues … but there is no need to repeat it over and over … like you said, we’re adults so once someone steps past that point, the decision is made and thus the outcome becomes their responsibility for their own choices.
For my situation there will come a point where i will outright say “You KNOW the risks – are you SURE you want to go forward?” after that, i no longer assume responsibility or feel guilty. I only feel guilty or responsible if they made decision without full knowledge of what they were “getting into”
fair dawg
I think it’s unwise to go through life reluctant to live, for fear of causing or contributing to hardships. I think it’s best to take the valued opportunities as they come, and maximize them as much as you can… even knowing that it could end up going wrong.
I think i see what you’re getting at, though. The desire for Faith is a prerequisite for Faith. That is one of the parts no one can fix, if it’s misaligned. But you don’t want to allow her to have the faith she desires, for an outcome that may not be feasible… to “bet the farm” on impossible or fantastical ideals… even though it feels pretty great to have someone who actually /wants/ to have faith in you. While you want to allow it, you also want to cautiously ensure it is not misplaced, or done so for an unrealistic or misguided intent.
As you frequently remind us all: live for what is, savor and cherish what you do have, instead of lamenting what you lack, and slinging your piece of cake across the room, in protest, because someone else got a bigger/better piece.
HOT DIGGITY DAWG !!!
Can this old gal have a kick at ya? At first I thought you were going to come out and tell us you were gay !! I was just a wee bit confused !! Then I wanted to know who the hell Cindysue was…and whether I should be jealous. hahaha Then I remembered…a) I already have an old man and b) that’s not the kinda crush I have on you old fella…but I do love you. So if I may be soooo bold…my first question would be… What’s a’matta old guy? What are you so afraid of? Cuz there is where you will find your answer eh? What are you REALLY afraid of?
And if I may be BOLDER
I’d go back to school and learn how to keyboard properly !!! hahaha
As I was saying…ahem
I think you should go for it with your ears pinned back !!! You are the only one that doesn’t think you are a catch…but just remember…you are not the same person that experienced your past. You are the new, wiser Dawg…and you owe it to this young lady to share yourself with her. It is okay to tell her that you have secrets…that you can promise nothing…that you may reveal nothing…that things may not work out. I believe she is an adult…correct? Don’t let the fear of future failures or the pain of past failures…keep you from experiencing your NOW. Just remember two things… 1) even though our minds are spry…we are not so young anymore…so stick to the senior sex hahaha as an added benefit…you will not put your poor back out.
and
2) nothing is forever….all things come to pass. but that is not any kind of excuse to avoid the love you are being offered in the NOW. You have a lot of love to offer the right woman…and you deserve to be loved in return.
So yeah…as I said :
Go to it with your ears pinned back You deserve it
Lots of Love as Always
Ama
Ama! I hate to intrude on this post, but I’d just like to say that I’m happy you’re back (although I’m not sure it’s a good thing) you were very much missed by the users of this site, welcome back 🙂 It’s so good to see you
@ Stendarr’s *****
Hello and thankyou. Is being back here a good thing? hahahahaha Well for now it is…but we shall see. 🙂 It has been a long while…and I’m older than dirt…so forgive me….ahem. Who are you? hahaha Seriously…can you refresh my old memory. I thought about pretending that I know who you are…and I’m pretty sure I can trust my horse sense…ahaha…but would you be going by a different name?
WOW !!! I just realized…it has been a long time…about 8 months I guess. Where does the time go?
Forgive my stoopidity
Ama
OH yeah…and while I was just down at the creek cleaning up from last night’s shenanigans…I had an amazingly profound thought. Or perhaps I was just amazed that I found a thought? meh who knows. Anyway here goes:
Avoiding Love because you are afraid of losing it … makes as much sense as:
a) Being so afraid of dying that you forget to live…
or
b) Dying because you are so afraid to live.
Does that make a lick of sense? I dunno…remember I was down at the creek. lmao
Live, Learn, Love and Laugh always Laugh (usually at myself)
Love to All
Ama
You commented on one of my posts this one time and I was absolutely thrilled. Your senses are as keen as ever, I’ve been here for a while and enjoyed reading your comments. I’d rather not make my prior name public, no one probably knows who I am, but I had advertised it with my real identity and I’d rather people not know my name, my face and/or my background unless we have a personal connection.
That makes perfect sense, not using your cards is the same as not having any cards. Tools (opportunities, your life, risks etc. ) are meant to be used, so if you have them, use them – but wisely of course!
Could I maybe get your email? I’d love to stay in contact with you. 🙂
oooh thank you for the jab i got ya now…you are the DEEP thinker. hahaha
Just kiddin’ ya..kinda. I remember your name I think..but I will respect your wishes and not bother checking. OMG…I think I talked to you just before I went off the deep end around the end of December. Am I correct? I sincerely hope I didn’t say or do anything offensive or harmful. lmfao I can’t remember anything about our conversation from my side….so sorry. And what I remember about your side…weeeellll…it’s a bit iffy. hahaha Let me see. Philosopher’s mind in a young body. Ummm big issue was something to do with time. And then you kinda blew me away again…something like…ummm
I too am sometimes so caught up with the aspect of the future and past that I forget to live my Present. The Present is Time’s gift to You. The Present is Now.
Have I got the right conversation? I’ll wait to hear from you before I perhaps humiliate myself further. hahaha
OOOOH and the good news? I’m muuuuch better NOW!! lmao
Peace
Ama
ps can’t you see my email? curses I will never learn to use this technology properly. haha word of warning….I kinda suck at email…as many will attest to. So I can promise you nothing…let’s just see what happens eh? so yeah…it’s my user name at hotmail.ca I think….hahaha perhaps someone else can tell you for sure.
hahaha stooopid old woman HA
Well well well if it ain’t the old loon herself 😀
Welcome back! We saved a seat for you … the place could always use your unique perspective and kind, caring thoughts … but try not try overextend yourself this time. Us old gummers have to pace ourselves. 😉
Sooo … let me try to address so of the comments and perceptions here:
First Not that there’s anything wrong with it … but nope – not gay, and not bi either … there was a time some thirty or so years ago when i met some free loving swinger types – nice people – interesting experience but ultimately not for me. case closed, no regrets.
Maybe i wasn’t overly clear with the intent of my post or in giving the appropriate detail and back ground. I’m not “afraid” of relationships in any way – i’ve been married several times and had more than my fair share of longish steady relationships and more than enough flings to know what goes where how and why.
If there is anything i fear – it’s that some aspect of “me” will not be sufficiently revealed to her to make an informed decision as to whether it would be in her best interest to invest and/or involve herself with me to the degree that when she does encounter such an undisclosed issue it causes her deep conflict, pain and disappointment.
In my last serious long term relationship (a marriage) a great foundation was built to manage such things … but back then there was a good outlook for the future, real possibilities for growth and prosperity … it all ultimately went to hell in a handbucket (in a financial sense – and figuratively speaking) which created the end of that relationship but because of the foundations and overt honesty and agreements to not sugar coat or hide anything we were able to sit down and have a calm and frank discussion about who wanted to do what – she wanted out because she feared the precarious fiscal situation we found ourselves in … so we parted ways and to this day still remain excellent friends (she has since remarried).
Now … this new person, i see potential of a long term relationship … note: “potential”
And with such potential I want to be sure to create the proper foundation to build on but at the same time i need to proceed carefully and cautiously to ensure she has the right information to continue forward (should she choose). Too much negative and it looks like i’m making excuses to dodge the advance. Not revealing enough truth could allow her to walk in unsuspecting to a point where she feels mislead and feels trapped between her emotional attachment and the reality.
So you see, it’s not a question of do or don’t … which i may have erroneously alluded to. I guess I “know” that if i knew someone just like me let’s call him Mr. Kaat – past present and potential and had a woman ask me if they should pursue a relationship with Mr. Kaat … I’d tell them generally “no” … Mr. Kaat is like owning a boat, looks nice, runs ok when it works fun to ride on … but costs a lot to maintain and keep in good repair … in other words the cost/benefit is a big negative … but it’s “cool” if you’re willing to take the financial hit for the status and fun that it can potentially provide … and i’d want my friend to be very aware of all the little issues that come with having a boat BEFORE getting it.
Back to reality – where we’re at is the test dive/sales pitch dance … but unlike buying a car or boat … there is no clearly defined point that you’ve clearly committed to ownership such as plunking down the money and/or signing the loan papers. Relationships have a MUCH more blurred.
Hence the “conundrum” of balancing the responsibility of disclosing the little (and big) hidden pitfalls that could hinder or derail a potential long term serious type relationship with me and creating a welcoming opportunity and satisfying my personal desire and self interest of having a wonderful person involved in my life who’s world i can have a positive and healthy influence on.
More importantly the reason i wanted to post this was to show and demonstrate trust and honesty in a positive way and that even deeply flawed people can be seen as desirable by others in spite of what we might think of ourselves or how we perceive how other view us.
lover dawg
OMG Dawg…you are such a MAN!!! hahaha my “unique perspective”…is that just a nicer way of saying asshat? hahaha
No worries old fella…I won’t overextend myself…and I didn’t really then…but I was slightly kookoo. I went through a hard and fast menopause that damn near killed me. It was insane…but I made it out the other side. Kinda like labour…I can barely remember it…just enough to remember it was a hell I didn’t want to repeat. hahaha
Actually a whole heck of a lot has changed in the last year…but mostly me…as it should be. The best part of it though…I asked my lawyer for copies of my entire medical and psych files…from the very beginning…yup…they still wrote notes in pen back then….hahaha. So I got all my answers….I had a great therapist and psych…they helped me put it all together…and voila…I’m cured !!!! hahaha jk But I’m a hell of a lot better…and infinitely happier. I just mentioned to the old guy the other day…it’s been over 6 months since we’ve had an argument…when we have a 16 year history of arguing every 3 to 6 weeks…and when I say arguing…I don’t really mean arguing…they were emotional donnybrooks. He was shocked. Seriously…the things I’ve learned.
And what was it that finally broke the old witch? An 18 year old punk that couldn’t think his way out of a wet paper bag….it was priceless. While I am trying to control my temper…cuz I wanted to kill the little shit…I’m ranting on the other neighbour. I’m melting…i’m melting. hahaha How did that little shit destroy my evil wickedness. Unlike the Wicked Witch though…I didn’t really melt…in case you can’t tell…but I sure left an awful lot of ugliness behind.
For the last 3 months I have been sleeping like a child, I’ve put on some weight…yeah!!!, I’ve worked hard, played harder and laughed more than I have in a good long time. As usual most of the laughing was at myself. I have a complete psych evaluation…not the slightest bit psychotic…surprise, surprise…just really damaged eh? My therapist told me it was time to become myself…she just didn’t realize how childish I really am. hahaha
Good to hear you’re not bi/gay, I don’t have to hunt down and scare off anyone named Cindysue…hehehe…but if your moniker “lover dawg” is true…well then leave off with the thinking and get busy with the loving eh? Truth be told…if the young lady in question…other that Cindysue or Betty is in our “age bracket”…hahaha she probably just wants you to be a good carpenter…maybe ask her how her day went…take her out in public now and again. You are being such a MAN and overthinking the hell out of this thing. You don’t have to tell anyone your secrets…just don’t tell any lies. Don’t make any promises…that you can’t keep…which if you’re human is most of them…and realize that at our age…companionship is somehow more important than comittment and portfolios.
So how good of a carpenter are you? Are you “good with the wood”? hahahaha
Just kick her tires and take her for a test drive already !!!! 😀
Love ya
Ama
I’m curious as to how much stuff you realized through therapy and whatnot that has you feeling much better … is actually stuff i told you here way back when? … and would you admit it?
It’s great to see you in good spirits – living for today and not reliving yesterday nor trying to anticipate the future – letting other people be who they are and letting their sour moods be their problems and not yours. recognizing that anger is largely a choice response … rock on chica
Oh – and thanks for missing the major point i was trying to make – again 😛
Leave it to you to focus on details and miss my primary message … relationships? I sooo got this. 😉
Yeah – i got wood … but i can really plug a leak and lay some pipe 😛
plumber dawg
That’s why silly Dawg…you are a man and I am a woman. You don’t really expect we focus on the same details do you?
Hmmm your first paragraph is giving me pause. Why? Cuz I’ve been telling you and telling you and telling you….just like a man…that the only reason I am still here today is because of two people…myself and some old Dawg. hahaha Will I admit it? I’ll scream it from the rooftops for Christ’s sake. But there was still a piece of the puzzle missing…and I had to dig deep to find it…and dig I did. But I wouldn’t have been able to if you hadn’t woken me up and given me a smack or two or three or …well you get the point. I adore you. Yes you told me the truth…as much of it as you knew…but you know…we all have our “secrets” and such. In fairness…it was information that you were never given. Can you believe there was something about me that you didn’t hear over and over and over again?…hahaha And you had lot’s of help as well…I would list the folks that made a difference in my life this last two years…but it would take too long and I’m still friggin’ lazy. Some of the ones that helped me the most were the ones I did not necessarily see eye to eye with. Kinda like Muspelhem. hahaha He kicked my ass good for me. But none of this would have been possible without the old Dawg.
I don’t believe that I ‘missed” the major point…I think I was ignoring it for my own personal agenda. hehehehe
“””music please”””
My husband’s a plumber, a plumber, a plumbler.
A very fine plumber is he !
All day he lays pipe, he lays pipe, he lays pipe.
And when he cums home he lays MEEEE!!!
Singin’ ….. hey chicky chicky fuck a little piggy
Follow the band.
Cock in your hand.
Follow the band.
Singin’ …. hey chicky chicky fuck a little piggy
Follow the band.
Follow them ALL THE WAY HOME !!!
Wanna hear the one about the carpenter? I thought not. lmao
Get to your pipe laying
Love you Special Scarecrow…i mean Dawg…haha
Ama