For quite a while now I’ve had the thought of suicide lingering in my mind. Though my -life- as it is isn’t that bad, with its ups and downs and everything, I still don’t feel like staying alive anymore. I am not doing bad at school, I’ve never been bullied or have bullied someone else. My brother is awesome and an incredible man, and I admire him so much.
However, and regardless of the “happy” moments that I have from time to time, I feel like I am going nowhere, I have plenty of projects, but do none of them. I want to be fit and beautiful, but I am just your average over-weight with a nice face that would look better without all the pimples and fat. I am “smart” to some degree, but not smart enough to stand out, I’ve never had a boyfriend, my mother always criticizes my friend and scolds me for not having enough friends. My father drives me nuts as well as my mother. I know that I am not the best daughter, but I am not a bad person either. So… If I am nothing but average, not good enough for society or my parents, not pretty enough to be a model, not determinated enough to do something about my body, or creative enough to do something with my life… Then what am I here for?
All I do is make my parents waste money they could be investing in my brother, who deserves it better. I make them angry without even doing bad things. I am just a nuisance. Then why am I here?….
I seriously wouldn’t like taking such a decicion. But if suicide is the only answer to the numbness and emptyness that is my life. Then… Maybe I should do it. I guess….
4 comments
How old are you? If my assumptions are correct I’m guessing between 13 and 17. Anyway, you need to realize that what you consider “average” is probably the norm for society. All the problems you listed….can be fixed with a little action on your part. Nothing you listed will fix itself. If you feel you aren’t smart then devote more time to becoming smarter… read, study, limit t.v time, You dislike your weight? change your diet and exercise a bit, Don’t like pimples? buy proactive. If you are a teen like I think then you need to realize parents will always drive you nuts during this time of your life. Its not they do it to annoy you but maybe because they see you are doing things that can be detrimental to your future. If your mother doesn’t like your friend it must be because she sees something negative about this person and doesn’t want you to associate with negativity and probably wants you to make other friends so that you don’t have to associate with that person. You say that you make them angry without “doing bad things” well give an example….What you may think is “not bad” may very well be considered “bad” in the eyes of a parent.
Sorry about the double post but I want to add a bit more. When one considers suicide it should be the last resort not the first. It isn’t to be taken lightly or done because you are unsatisfied with something. I know you go through things as a teenager but many of the problems teens think are overwhelming disappear with time. I know this because I once was a teen who had the same state of mind.
You don’t have to be the best, you don’t have to be the brightest, you have to be you; for good or bad, because both of those values depend on how you define them. You don’t need to be better or smarter than someone else; that’s chasing your tail. There’s always someone better, or smarter. The opposite is also true; there’s always someone less good, less smart, less attractive. It’s all meaningless and being better than you are or smarter than you are would not change one thing about who and where you are. It wouldn’t make you feel differently. Changing how you feel means changing how you think, and changing how you address those issues. That’s the only thing that ever works.
I know how you feel on this end. A lot of the reasons why I want out are for the same reasons as you. I’m not a girl, but do still understand your feelings.
I am here if you want to talk, though I imagine I won’t be good at helping you,
brl.cents@gmail.com
I will try to be a good friend to you.